I never thought I'd have to write this.

I hate being a statistic. I hate being a person whose body doesn't want to ever cooperate. I went for my 8 week ultrasound and doctor's visit to only experience the most heart wrenching thing possible. It was like Chinese water torture. We went in and I couldn't make anything out on the screen. I mean I thought I did but the tech (who was being trained....bad timing) was having a hard time gettin a good picture. I knew what to look for with a heart beat. Nothing. She tried finding my ovaries and only could find the left and only guessed on the right. Gee thanks. I'm already laying in an uncomfortable position with tears streaming down my face. The most vulnerable moment of my life. The lady doing the training explained to me that it's not as far along as my LMP date would indicate.  All the exam rooms were full and they sent me and The Husband out to the waiting room. I have never worked so hard to hold my composure. My husband is an amazing man an all he did was hold me. We go into an exam room 30 minutes later and the doctor explains that the baby looked like it was 6 weeks and not 8 weeks and possibly my numbers are wrong. I know my dates. I know when we do the deed. I know. We are not wrong. So I have to wait another week to get a follow up ultrasound. In the meantime, I've got to get a lot of bloodwork done and try to keep from losing my mind. This is pure torture. I have no hope. I hate saying that, but I already feel like a failure. I have another week, minimum, to feel this way. Here's another thing to add to my medical history.

I am so very grateful (not strong enough of a word) for The Husband. He could not be amazing. I feel horrible. I know he is hurting too and I just don't have the energy to console him because I'm trying to console myself. Hopefully I'll be able to get past my anger for myself and be able to cope, for both of our sake. He is so hopeful. He said there "must be a mistake." Of course I take that as an assault on me, even though I know rationally he is just being supportive. I'm just ready for a solution, whatever it may be.

Sorry for at typos. I'm on my phone.