less than 2 beta

I got my results back today, < freaking 2. Wow. Days like today make me rethink life decisions. haha I say that a lot, so do not take that without a grain of salt. It just makes you rethink anything you felt or thought this cycle. I hate that infertility has been able to take away any joy I had left out of this whole TTC business. We have decided to go forward with planning our vacation in May and whatever happens between now and then will just have to fit into those plans. So here's onto another cycle!

Going for a beta

I'm not trying to get my hopes up in the least, but I did get a few faint BFPs this weekend. I haven't tested in the last 24-36 hours because really I don't want to stress. It is either a BFP or Im going on to the next round. So tomorrow I am going at 9am for my first beta since August. Has it really been that long?


Just to symptom spot a little:
- constantly runny nose
-twinges and cramps
-TONS of creamy CM
-the ridiculous dizziness

I'll find out on Wednesday..so either I get to give The Husband an awesome Valentine's gift......that I don't have to buy :)  or I have to go buy a bottle of wine........and something for The Husband. :)

Got to give a shout out to my girl at Perfectly Picked! for the BEAUTIFUL bracelet and chocolate and the sweetest card I think anyone has ever sent to me!!

My "replacement" Diana

I went to my DR this morning to do my monthly check and her new nurse is my new Diana I have determined. She is sweet, kind, and very understanding. Im really not hard to please, I just want someone with a soul. Ha! Regardless, at least my appointments will be a little nicer. Her old nurse was super rude and cold. Not really what you want when you're about to jump up on a table and..well, you get it.

My DR was super excited to see me. This is pretty weird because usually she is very standoffish and doesn't like to become attached. She seemed happy to see me continuing our journey and was ecstatic to see that I have ovulated. It is nice to have the lady with the degree on her wall in your corner. I start testing tomorrow morning. I know we're not the lucky ones to get a BFP on our first round again, but I am hopeful! The Husband is beyond hopeful this time, which makes me feel pretty good.

Awkward moment of the day: I only wear those crazy ankle socks you can find at Target. Sometimes they match, sometimes they don't..luckily today I had my valentine's day ones on that had neon orange hearts. While I was mid-exam with my feet in the stirrups the nurse grabs my foot and says "Wow! Cute Socks!! Where did you get them?" .....Not the time!

Dangit, Diana!!

I am irrationally sad that my favorite nurse is no longer working at the clinic I have my blood draws taken. I went in yesterday to get my 7DPO progesterone draw and a new girl called me back. I was a little freaked out because I've always had Diana. One Stick Diana, even. This girl does not put any gloves on (I didn't even notice until we were done) and searched and searched for vein. She stuck me and then asked "Where do they normally stick you?" Oh geez lady! Diana would never do that!!!! So she poked aroun until she found a gusher. My track marks are heinous! As I was leaving, I asked if Diana was out today and they acted really weird "Oh no...she's no longer employed here..she doesn't work here." I feel like she should've called me before she quit (I remember her saying she was looking for a 2nd job). I'm kidding, but really it's sad! It's amazing how we seem to get so attached to "constants" in this wild journey. She was an amazing person. She called me 5 times when my miscarriage blood work came in to "check me." She left me messages every time and I could tell she was tearing up. Then when I saw her for a follow up draw (well more like a million follow ups), she was so compassionate. She really wanted this for us. I know a lot of people want this for us, but I could really just feel it coming from her. I'll definitely miss, Diana.

On another note, I did get my results. 16.9! So I DID ovulate! So now here's back to that waiting junk that us IFers are so dang used to. I have a follow-up appointment with my DR tomorrow. Curious what she has to say to me, I haven't seen her since December...maybe November!


Keep your head up ladies!



Ps...this was posted from my phone. Sorry for the typos!

Thought of the day...

I had posted this picture on facebook after seeing it somewhere. I LOVE this so much! I think I may print it out so I can see it every day. Its so true!

As far as the TTC train is moving along, I am experiencing pretty bad O cramps in my lower back on my right side today and into this evening. I'm actually pretty excited. I've only gotten these pains WHEN I have actually O'd. So we'll see soon, as I'm taking my TCM, OPKs, and temping to see whats going on with this crazy body I've got.

January already?

Where has the time gone? I have no idea! I feel like I have been on overdrive since Christmas...Oh wait, I have! Life has been crazy, as it is for everyone. I've started a new semester with school and it is going to be a doozie. 164 questions for a study guide, what is going on here!? I'll survive, but thats only because that is all I know how to do.

I was blind-sided by a call I received from a family member today. She was gentle in telling me that the family member's girlfriend, whom we had the adoption agreement with, was pregnant again. Just a little back story on that:  My husband cousin and his girlfriend were pregnant and had a baby in '11...they were 17 and 18 and had propositioned to adopt their baby. Shortly before the baby was born, they recanted. Devastation is not even close to what we experienced with that. We had made preperations (lawyer, etc)..everything besides buying furniture. We were even thinking about moving so they would have no idea where we lived. My husband's cousin and his girlfriend are not in a healthy relationship. They're very lucky that her parents are kind enough to be raising their daughter right now.

I will say that I am not nearly as upset over this than I thought I would be. This definitely pisses me off, especially on the cusp of my best friend's 15 year old niece being pregnant..but I think that I'm in a better place than I was. Thank GOD I did not find out before Christmas. I would've been crushed.

So, of course, in natural IF style, I'm throwing myself a pity party. You're invited! :) I kid, I kid. But really..

I'm just so tired of trying and not succeeding. I know my situation is better than a lot of women, but my situation is unique to me. I will never give up in finding my rainbow baby. I will never stop trying. The time in between now and baby bliss is the killer. I keep telling myself that I can't rush this and, honestly, I've done really well over the last 4 months. But now, here I sit, wishing it was me..again.

New Year!

After reading some people's blogs about doing wonderfully, amazing things fro NYE...I wonder if they're really telling the truth. I will tell you what The Husband and I did. It was wonderfully, amazing! We put on our PJs and opened the champagne at like 7. We at chicken tacos and queso and he talked me into playing the xbox while I got tipsy. When that was over, I had to make him a cup of coffee because at 10pm he was already draggin'. Finally we made it to 12...he made it to 12:05 and was in bed.

It was really wondeful though. I really didn't get sad this Thanksgiving or Christmas, but New Year's hit me hard for some reason. Don't get me wrong, I was emotional through all the holidays, but NYE got me. I put a status on my facebook :

 2012 has been one of the most trying and difficult years of life....sprinkled with some incredible memories. If I had it all to do over again, I would. Thank you 2012 for teaching me what is important and thanks to my Kyle, family, friends and friends that are like family for being there along the way. ♥

The responses I received were phenomenal and really just hit me. I had to keep from tearing up from the support from our friends and family that may or may not know exactly what we have gone through this year. I'm a Virgo so it's hard for me to accept compliments and praise. This was very difficult! The Husband was more than just amazing this New Year's. He finally asked why I was moping around and what he could do to help. I told himw hat my deal was and he told me that he was bummed too, though he wasn't going to show it to me. Sweet guy. At midnight, he woke up from his post- taco/champagne/beer/queso/coffee daze and went to the Christmas tree and grabbed two bells off the bottom. (Are we the only ones who put bells on the bottom of the tree? We tell people its for the dogs but really its so I don't peek!) He grabbed my hand and made me go out on the deck in the freezing rain and ring my dang bell! He told me that we were ringing in the new year "out with the old and in with the new." This simple gesture meant so much to me. I cannot believe how much that really meant to me. He really is my soulmate and times like this he solidifies it. I felt like a load had been lifted off my shoulders and I knew that this guy was IN IT WITH ME.

My Clomid buddy, Rachel and I were discussing how lucky we are to have men that are really IN IT with us. They aren't just in the process, they are a part of the process...holding your hand along the way. The Husband is gaining almost (almost:) ) as much knowledge on TTC as I have gained. Its encouraging to know that I am not the only one that knows the procedures and next steps that we are going to be faced.

With that being said...
Bring it on, 2013! Lets see what you got!