Turning the page...

After last nights blog-a-palooza, I laid in bed listening to Jesus Culture thinking, "What the hell am I going to do?"

 I reminded myself of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

How true do those words ring? I said it over and over and began to understand the only thing I have a position to make a decision is...how I react. I cannot change anything. There's nothing I could do or could have done differently. I am at peace with that. I was actually up most of the day and was very productive. 

Last night, I wrote The Husband a sweet letter thanking him for what he had done for me that day and acknowledging that I know he is hurting too. I wrote in that letter that I had no idea what I was going to do today, with going back to work and going to get bloodwork done at the lab where the nurse was so happy this finally happened for us. I have to say today was amazingly normal. My nurse, Diana (she's a gem, really) didn't mention anything. We talked about the weather and simple stuff and I made it through the whole little visit with only getting choked up as I walked to my car. I was thankful for that. Work was great and it made it wonderful to see the kids, even if I had to go pick one up that was sick at school. They have no idea what is going on and I love them for that. They just know I need a hug and were very cuddly and sweet today. I have made it through the whole day without a tear. For that, I feel more accomplished than anyone can know. 

I was able to have a conversation with my MIL and discuss our options since The Husband is not prepared to do. He thinks we will have a miraculous conception or some crazy miracle. Bless his heart, I hope he is right, but I am not counting those chickens yet. No pun intended. I explained what my options are: either go natural or a D&C. I am concerned about the financial obligation of a D&C and need to call our insurance tomorrow. Our insurance BLOWS anyways and I swear they mark my account every time I call. I've been red-listed for 2 years because of being marked with "PCOS/INFERTILITY." So pretty much everything I get done or see the doctor for, they try to match with that diagnosis. So dumb. I am scared of the traumatic experience of going natural, as well. What a crappy decision to have to make!

I feel like I can't share what is going on with people until after I'm done with whatever decision we choose. I know that sounds very silly, but I just am not prepared to deal with the condolences BEFORE this nightmare is over. I am just ready for it to be over and to start on with the next step. 

I have a James Avery charm bracelet and love getting new charms. While looking up the serenity prayer, I found this beautiful thing...

I think I need it. Maybe I'll throw a hint to The Husband and see if my magical powers of persuasion will help him get it for me. We'll see on that one. :)


The last thing I remember before going to bed last night was...Tomorrow is a new day.

I may not know what will happen but whatever it is, I need to be thankful.