I think people didn't quite understand the toll the botched adoption did on both of us. It was tough and a long road to heal from that. I managed to slap a smile on my face whenever people would ask or it was mentioned. Even now, seeing pictures on facebook are so tough that it stings.
It was actually a year ago (almost exactly) as when we found out we were pregnant. We took it as a sign. We just KNEW this was it. This was God's gift to us. I guess it was our gift for 8 weeks (whatever, I'll take what I can get now). It makes this whole thing so much more painful that it is around the same time of year. What kind of sick joke is that?
It's supposed to be fun and joyous....Theres a birthday pattern in our family (my birthday- two weeks later- mom's- two weeks later- my sister's- two weeks later- The Husband's- three weeks later my nephew's...then its the holidays!). Its great, I really used to love this time of year. It has, absolutely, been ruined. I told The Husband, "I just don't know what to do...or to think..or to feel." Poor guy. All he wants to do is comfort me by saying, "We really don't know anything.We will know on Monday." I'm not as optimistic. There was a sac and an underdeveloped fetal pole...at 8 weeks...no heartbeat. I am mentally preparing myself for the worst. I am glad we didn't tell people like a lot of people going through a loss. We had anticipated this being the day we officially told his parents (even though they unofficially knew).
Instead, I spent the first part of the day sleeping from 10a-1p. Then The Husband dragged me out of bed and took me to lunch.
God, how'd I get so lucky?
He even took me to look at new couches which cheered me up a little bit. Then we came home...and I went back to sleep. from 4-6p. He woke me up and felt terrible that all I wanted to do was sleep. I imagine he was Dr. Googling every possibility and what he can do for me. I feel so guilty that he is hurting and I can't be there for him like I want.
He said one of the most amazing things while we were waiting for the doctor. "No matter what, this is NOT a road block, just a speed bump." I know I'll believe that some day, but right now, I just want to be done. I've wanted to be a mom my whole life and I thought this was the chance. I lost all hope of having a big family when we could not get pregnant right away...or within the first year...or within the 2nd year. It was tough. I gave that up. I decided I would be happy with what God gives me. I thought this was it.
My mom taught me to love FEARLESSLY and that is what I did. As much as this hurts, I'm so glad I did. It was an amazing feeling to have even if it was short lived. I would have regretted it if I hadn't.
I'm a prideful person. I like to prove people and myself wrong. I have always been the underdog and I am challenged in everything I do. I have come to accept this. I told The Husband this when we first got together. "Nothing ever comes easy for me, I have to do it my way." It's so true. So the very few people that do know about this will try to give their condolences and that will only make it worse for me. I know that sounds like a cop out, but its true. Its like falling in the crowded hall at school and everyone going "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH ARE YOU OKAY?" That is torture for me. I'm so afraid that this is going to turn into this. I am likely to take off time from work next week and I'm going to have to figure out what to do to get a fill-in and I'm anticipating the awkward moment when I have to tell one of my bosses, who has suffered multiple MCs. Did I mention one of our 'couple friends' just went through this last week? Horrible.
The Husband doesn't want to talk about what our next step will be. I want to walk in there with my mind made up as much as possible. I'm sure I will give the option of MCing naturally at home or a D&C. I am struggling with both options. I do not want to "wait this out," but I have obligations to my faith...and selfishly, I would like to be TTC by the end of the year.
I know I'm getting way ahead of myself, but it has really REALLY helped putting this out there. I feel a little more clear minded and able to process a little better.
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