ow!

I really did not anticipate the pain a few days after to be this painful. I am pretty sure I expelled all of the tissue, but this pain is making me thinking possibly I did not. I didn't want to take any more prescribed pain killers than I absolutely needed but tonight...Definitely had to! I really wish I would've taken tomorrow off of work too so I could recoup just a little bit more and be at 100%.

Tomorrow back at work is going to be pretty rough. I am so weird. I don't mind the questions so much as I hate to answer. It's hard not to get choked up and teary eyed when you talk about the big MC...especially when you're still experiencing severe pain from the effects.

So here is to this week! First day of October! I am so excited, I want to go buy a pumpkin but I am waiting two more weeks. This weekend I made and baked a bunch of goodies! I painted and decoupaged  pumpkins that turned out super cute. I made pumpkin muffins and chocolate chip and heath bar cookies. Fun stuff! What is your favorite fall treat? Mine is definitely this one...

Foster care?

The Husband and I have been having some serious talks about what we should do next. We are definitely going to try to have our own natural family (soon) but what if that isn't in our cards? I've never wanted anything more and it kills me to even think that this may not be the direction we are supposed to be headed. I keep coming back to the foster care process chart. It lays everything out for you and what you should do.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself but this may be our next option. We have always wanted to adopt and foster, but obviously are not financially able to adopt privately. However, we are financially able to provide for a child. 

I think we have decided that after we buy a house, this is something we are going to pursue.

School blues.

On top of it all, I felt like I was doing the great the past couple of days. I thought that I had been true to all of my commitments and that I would have no problems. Obviously that is not true. So here I am, hoping that they will throw me a bone and understand my situation. I didn't want to have to explain my situation to anyone. I am not embarrassed, per say, but I feel like this situation is so intimate to me and The Husband. Its something that we don't want to use as an 'excuse'..but I had to share it with my group. I didn't want them to think I am that careless and incompetent that I had just hoped to pull a grade from their group.

Obviously these past two weeks have been HELL on us on a personal level but I just realized how much it has played out in my academic life, as well. We are supposed to be doing a cooperative paper over Du Bois and Washington with 4-5 other classmates. I had not participated whatsoever and did not realize this. I had looked at it right as we were got "the news." Obviously that has had us shook up for the past two weeks and I have neglected all of my responsibilities. I have pleaded with my group and hopefully I can construct the paper and at least pull a little bit of a grade from this whole thing. I'm absolutely annoyed with myself and feel like such a dumbass for having to grovel to the group leader to allow me to do SOMETHING to pull a grade. Im sure its too late and I need to kick some serious ass to barely pass this course.

2nd dose of cytotec

I got a call from a nurse at my doctor's office today to ask how I was doing and what my process was like. After talking to me for a bit, she put me on hold and talked to my doctor. They decided to put me on a 2nd dose of the cytotec. I am glad that I know what to expect but very apprehensive to experience that 430am nightmare again. Thankfully The Husbad is still off work and is able to be with me.  So in about 1.5 hours, I will begin my 2nd process with cytotec. Crazy enough, even though this really sucks and I hate every minute, I'm so glad I have this option as opposed to going straight for surgery. A lot of girls don't have that luxury and for that I'm grateful.

The insult to injury is...I'm getting a dang head cold!! Of course I am! What dang luck I have.

I'm so happy I was able to document this so I can look back if I had to do this again. Well here I am and I'm sure it will help out tons! Hope it helps others out, as well. Here it goes....
_______________________________________________________________

1145p- game time! Thankfully it wasn't as emotionally straining this time. I was prepared and ready as much as I can be.

140a- gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee! I hydrated a lot prior and it's ready to evacuate. I went to the bathroom and half of a pill came out. It was mostly dissolved and really wasn't even a half. I hope that my body got as much as it needs and I begin to cramp around 230 like last time.

230a- last time, I was able to take a nap. Not tonight! Bummer! I'm sitting/laying here watching crappy old late night tv. And here come the annoying cramps! Let this be the last time I have to take this! I was begging for the cramps to come on. Dumb, I know. But the sooner they start, the sooner it's over!

410a- on Wednesday night, (Thursday morning, rather) by this time I was about ready to throw in the towel. This time, very different. My cramps have been very minimal. Blood has been minimal. I have been experiencing horrible gas pains though. I mean HORRIBLE! Like if someone poked me with a pin, I would probably explode! I decided that maybe if I went to sit on the toliet, gravity could do its job and expell the gas. I was sort of right. I coughed a few times since I'm not feeling well. I was sick of sitting there after 15 minutes or so and I wiped......... I had expelled tissue! I had never been so thrilled. I was starting to think I wouldn't be able to do it. I saved it and came to lay back in bed. I haven't experienced a lot of bleeding like I had read a lot of ladies had experienced. Now let's see if I can finally get some sleep!


515a- still not able to sleep but I think it's mostly the adrenaline running me right now. In retrospect, I did have a "gush" at around 730p. I was walking around blockbuster getting a movie to watch while I'm recouping tomorrow and I felt like a bunch of something came out. I was only wearing a liner because I didn't have any pads besides overnights (target was also on the errand run this evening). So I kind of just thought maybe I didn't have enough coverage. I guess not! I guess that is why my cramps were very minimal.

This goes to show how everyone's experience with cytotec is definitely different. I don't want to say I had a "good miscarriage" because that sounds absolutely wrong. My heart breaks. My heart was ripped in half early this morning but, I am so thankful that my experience was as trouble-free as possible. I had trepidations about this process. I am very glad I decided to do this at home. I feel like now...I can cope and move on.

Starting my Cytotec (Misoprostol) experiece tonight

I have been avoiding my house like the plague! I had it in my head that if I came home, I would HAVE to start this junk. Well, I'm trying to hold it off as much as possible. I'm hoping this takes effect early on me and I don't have to endure the nightmares my mind is conjuring. Just a typical disclosure- this is my experience and not of anyone with a medical background. Please take it just as that. I will try to update through the process to give others hope....or engage more fear (oh goodness, I sure hope not!) Here goes nothing.. :(

______________________________________________________________________

1130p- Pills inserted, vicodin taken, bed 'made'...hoping to get a little sleep before this all begins.

230a- well I managed to sleep 2 hours and am now in some pretty annoying pain. I can't keep still and Im hoping this means I'm responding. I was almost in tears but didn't want to wake The Husband just yet.

430a- after dozing off for an hour or so, I woke up with the worst pain I've ever had. Tolerable, but so very intense. The process had started between 230 and 430. I went to the bathroom and there were tons of large clots. This was the only time I had felt any sort of nausea and was VERY faint. I woke up after a couple of minutes and was laying on my bathroom floor. That was pretty scary. I stumbled into bed, woke up The Husband and he filled my hot water bottle. I curled up with that and a heating pad and was finally able to fall asleep until 7am. He was very concerned at this point  He said I was dripping with sweat and couldn't stop shaking. This was the only time I have experienced any sort of serious discomfort.. This was by far the worse time. But it was short lived. Turning the a/c down helped immensely.

7a- The Husband was alarmed because the last time I was awake I looked horrible. I woke up in good spirits and ready to take my past due Vicodin and eat a little breakfast.

850a- I got up and moved around in hopes to keep the process going. The Vicodin finally kicked in, but it barely touches the pain but does make me incredibly sleepy. The pain has increased a little and the heating pad and hot water bottle are my best friends!

1130a- the Vicodin is knocking me out. The pain is still there (6/10) but the RX is making me very fatigued. So I keep falling asleep. Bleeding has not picked up as of yet.

140p- took my 3rd Vicodin and am about to fall asleep. I've been getting up as standing and walking as much as possible. The pain is intense but tolerable. It comes and goes so the high intensity does kill you but it does wear you out pretty quickly. I have been able to eat and drink just fine. I was concerned that nausea would take over, but since the bout this morning, I've been just fine.

Pretty much from 140p on I slept, ate, and slept some more. We watched the Hatfield's and McCoy's and just took it easy until we NEEDED blizzards.

As of 940p- I am feeling pretty darn great. Knock on wood.



If I were to have any tips they would be these:

1. Make sure someone is home with you. Go over what you expect and let them know a clear understanding of what to do in an emergency or what you're going to need if you are unable to explain it. The Husband was an amazing help. We discussed everything right before, so he would be prepped as well. I gave him worse case scenarios. I wrote my doctor's information down and had my ID and insurance card handy. I had all my drinks in the fridge cold ( I hate warm drinks) and had any snacks ready on the counter. Changes of clothes were on the bathroom counter and the trashcans had multiple liners in them to make it easier on him.

2. PREP. Kind of an extension from above. Be prepared for the worse and hope for the best. I had tons of gatorade and snacking food just in case I was unable to eat a meal. This made it easy for The Husband to get me something quickly. Set up your bathrooms in the easiest way for you. I had tons of liners in each trashcan so The Husband could change it. I had the hamper for soiled clothes (luckily did not need this) set up so he could take it to the laundry asap as well.

3. Use puppy pads to protect furniture and your bed. We had some left over puppy pads from whenever Ruby had her puppies. They're IDENTICAL to the pads you see at your OB/GYN or hospital. I put them under and on top of my sheets and on my couch. Again, luckily did not need them, but I can see where they would've come in handy if I was unable to make it to the bathroom in time.

4. Hydrate! Drink that water prior and during. Make sure you pee before laying down to insert the medicine so you will not need to get up for a couple of hours.

5. Find some good movies! Use netflix, hulu, or blockbuster..whatever! It was nice to have something funny to watch while I was rocking back in forth in pain.

6. Relax as much as possible. As much as this situation sucks, you have 0 control over it. I had to finally give in and figure that out. I have no control over this. The blighted ovum wasn't my fault and either I am able to do this at home or I get booked for a d&c. This was the only choice I had in the process. I'm glad I was able to have these last few moments pregnant at home..with The Husband by my side..not my doctor.

As incredibly difficult this was emotionally, I was expecting the physical to be so much worse than it was. Though I'm not sure if I passed what I needed to or not, I am just glad I survived this..and God forbid I ever need to do it again, I know exactly what to expect. It was pretty empowering and almost relaxing to be able to do it at home.

I cannot say this enough. My husband was made for me and I was made for him. He was an absolute Godsend and has taken care of me every step of the way. He has brought me drinks, rubbed my back, fixed my bed, gotten me food, etc all day long. I know its what he 'should' do, but its great to know its what he wanted to do.

Thankful.

I think its time to make a list of things Im grateful and thankful for. I'm sure I'll  do this all over again in November for Thanksgiving. I'm just having one of those "I'm having the worst day-week-month-year of my life and everyone else is having a GREAT time, having babies, buying houses, going on vacations...everything that I wish I was doing" kind of days. The Husband pointed out to me that I need to examine my bitterness because people just do not know how to take me. Maybe that's why I've been staying to myself as much as possible? Regardless, after this done (fingers crossed that I'm done by Friday).





Things I am thankful for:


1. My amazing Husband. Without this guy I would be nothing but existing. With him, I am living.


2. My super Mom! 'nuff said!


3. My very best friend forever and ever, Kim. We have known each other since we were in 6th grade and have be pretty much inseparable since.


4. I'm glad that through all of this BS, I still have a little humor. 


5. That my basic 3 are covered. I live in a nice house, I  am never hungry, and I drink tons of 
water.


6. Modern medicine and its ability to have gotten me this far.


7. The fact that I even got this far.

8. I have a wonderful family and support system. I'm so thankful for all of them for listening endlessly, especiall my Clomid Buddy!


9. I have a ton of FAITH.


10. This was almost number 1...I have 3 off the greatest dogs ever that never get tired of me even if I'm a mess.

 

I know we will get through this and in retrospect this will be just one speck of  our amazing lives. But, right now....every second is an eternity and I will get past that.

 

Shannon Stewart is back.

I decided that since tomorrow will probably SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK (Louise, I bet you can imagine me saying that one) that I was going to be crafty all day. Besides staying up until 445a studying and then taking a midterm the previous night/morning and waking up at 1100a, I was super productive! I don't know why I didn't stay up for 15 more minutes to see The Husband off, now that I think of it. Anyway, I went to Micheal's and grabbed a ridiculous amount of stuff to make some cute things!

My domestic duties were on high today. House was cleaned, floors swept, mopped, vacuumed, shampooed. Dinner (a roast) in the crock pot and I made apple pie in apples for dessert. Delish! I had seen a couple of things on pinterest I had wanted to try. Mostly this little guy! He is so ridiculously cute and I plan on putting candy corn in it. I made it out of a clay pot and saucers and the rest is pretty much obvious. Lots of paint and some wooden spools. Ta-da! On the inside of the saucer (didn't take a picture unfortunately) I painted "BOO!" Super cute!

 This was kind of a spur of the moment thing. I needed some new modge podge and I was walking through the wooden letters anyway.  I was getting the foilage that went along with the orange bats for another project and the stickers were 40% off....its like it was meant to be, right? This looks WAY cuter than what my stinking little iphone camera can do. I really love it and can't wait for people to come over to see it!

Oh this picture is HORRIBLE but its actually The Husband's favorite new thing I've made. It was just a cardboard hat that I made a band out of the same green paper used in the BOO and a little ribbon. I made a faux boa out of the purple feathers and attached an orange bat. He thinks this is the greatest thing for some reason. Maybe because he thinks he can wear it?












Making all this Halloween decor is getting me too excited for Halloween. I was really excited for it for other reasons 2 weeks ago, but right now Im just excited to be able to have a little fun and get silly. I have a feeling that I'll be 'crafting' once again now that I'll have some free time as opposed to being obsessed with TTC for the next month or so. Or...maybe I'll concentrate more on school. Yeah right, Martha---Shannon Stewart is back!

Sometimes I'm ridiculous.

My HCG came in on Friday from my Thursday AM draw. Of course it is going down and the inevitable...is inevitable. I'm more okay with it, for the most part. I'm kind of glad it is dropping, now that we know this pregnancy is not viable. I am ready to get this horror show over! Anyway, the lab called me at 415p, 418p, 422p, 426 p, and 435pm. Twice the physician over the lab called and the other times it was the nurse. I got the first call while I was out and about and then did some nanny duties and realized my phone was blowing up. The messages are SO SAD. I feel BAD for the people who had to call me with their concern for me. I have been going to this lab for over a year during this whole ordeal. I finally get pregnant and its not viable. I have had the same nurse for every one of my draws and she and I feel like we have begun this journey together. Her messages got increasingly more sad with everyone she left. The physician, whom I did not know he even looked at my charts, explained the need and urgency to talk to my OB/GYN immediately and that he will go over the rough numbers with me if I need to and he even gave me an after hours number to call. No doubt that he did this because of Nurse Diana probably preempted him to call.

This is where I am ridiculous. This made me cry. Not the content of the messages...I've already come to accept what I cannot change. What made me sad was the fact that they had to be the bearers of bad news right before they went home on Friday. They had enough concern for me, that they called 5 times in 20 minutes to talk to me. I understand they are in the medical profession and this stuff does not get to them like it would me, but it still touched my heart. I won't lie, I did avoid the last call because after hearing the first message, I could not take actually talking to them. If it Was Nurse Diana, she already sounded jilted and if it was the doctor, I wasn't ready to hear some news that I already know and will be knowing more about on Monday.

Though I am okay (as I can be) with this, I am still taking The Husband with me on Monday. I tend to get choked up easily and my ADD mind goes haywire when I need to concentrate on what is at hand. He and I are discussing questions so that he won't forget and we will get answers to.

Some of which are..
1. Is there any testing available to see if this will be a perpetual thing? (I know they usually test after 3, but it never hurts to ask.
2. Does this happen more to women with PCOS?
3. What should I expect if I try to do this naturally?
4. Can I be prescribed anything to speed up the process? For pain? Muscle relaxer?

And the most important thing

5. When can we start trying for our miracle again?


I've been trying to catch the silver lining in all of this. I am trying to be thankful for the little things. While TTC, I always gauged my cycle by if I ovulated or not that month. If I O'd, I was just glad my body cooperated enough. If I didn't, I was just glad I am physically and financially able to be TTC right now. Lord knows there are some women that are not so lucky and my heart goes out to them.  So with this, I am extremely and eternally grateful that we had made it this far. This is as far as we have ever made it and now we have a goal to pass up the next time. Also, I am now going to be able to get a U/S sooner to see if there is a problem earlier on. These are things I am grateful for.

Is there any other questions I should ask my doctor?

"discussing our options"

So, we got the HCG results back and they are slowly going down. They were at 7,845 (or something) and two days later 7,744. Not much but no where near where I should be at 8w5d. I've been pretty good all week until just now, when I talked to my mom about covering for me at work. She asked me, "well, are you okay?" and it made me stop and think for a minute. I'm probably not okay. I WILL be okay, but its okay to not be okay sometimes.

I called and cancelled our u/s for Monday. I think that has been the worst thing of this all. Just trying to make something out of the black and white screen that just looks like some weird alien things. You try to look for a flicker...but there is nothing. That is the absolute most painful.

You know, infertility has taken the fun out of getting pregnant (except this past cycle, coincidentally) and now this has take the fun out of being pregnant. The Husband said "this isn't fun anymore." I couldn't say it better myself. Maybe I am so sort of sick sadist who likes to experience this torture with me and my husband. I've already picked out a counselor at my church, for the next time we get pregnant. I may not be optimistic with this one, but next time I have no choice to be optimistic. Its just my nature.

I am about 90% we are going to opt for a medically induced m/c. I do not want to have a d&c unless it is absolutely medically necessary. We are in the process of looking and purchasing a house and our insurance is ridiculous. I know that is no reason to not get it, but I also do not want to be put under. I just don't want to do it.

I fell less morally charged by doing it medically induced as opposed to surgery. Call me crazy. I, in no means, am against a d&c. I just know it is not for me, right now.

So here we wait..another long weekend..another long wait...until Monday.

Turning the page...

After last nights blog-a-palooza, I laid in bed listening to Jesus Culture thinking, "What the hell am I going to do?"

 I reminded myself of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

How true do those words ring? I said it over and over and began to understand the only thing I have a position to make a decision is...how I react. I cannot change anything. There's nothing I could do or could have done differently. I am at peace with that. I was actually up most of the day and was very productive. 

Last night, I wrote The Husband a sweet letter thanking him for what he had done for me that day and acknowledging that I know he is hurting too. I wrote in that letter that I had no idea what I was going to do today, with going back to work and going to get bloodwork done at the lab where the nurse was so happy this finally happened for us. I have to say today was amazingly normal. My nurse, Diana (she's a gem, really) didn't mention anything. We talked about the weather and simple stuff and I made it through the whole little visit with only getting choked up as I walked to my car. I was thankful for that. Work was great and it made it wonderful to see the kids, even if I had to go pick one up that was sick at school. They have no idea what is going on and I love them for that. They just know I need a hug and were very cuddly and sweet today. I have made it through the whole day without a tear. For that, I feel more accomplished than anyone can know. 

I was able to have a conversation with my MIL and discuss our options since The Husband is not prepared to do. He thinks we will have a miraculous conception or some crazy miracle. Bless his heart, I hope he is right, but I am not counting those chickens yet. No pun intended. I explained what my options are: either go natural or a D&C. I am concerned about the financial obligation of a D&C and need to call our insurance tomorrow. Our insurance BLOWS anyways and I swear they mark my account every time I call. I've been red-listed for 2 years because of being marked with "PCOS/INFERTILITY." So pretty much everything I get done or see the doctor for, they try to match with that diagnosis. So dumb. I am scared of the traumatic experience of going natural, as well. What a crappy decision to have to make!

I feel like I can't share what is going on with people until after I'm done with whatever decision we choose. I know that sounds very silly, but I just am not prepared to deal with the condolences BEFORE this nightmare is over. I am just ready for it to be over and to start on with the next step. 

I have a James Avery charm bracelet and love getting new charms. While looking up the serenity prayer, I found this beautiful thing...

I think I need it. Maybe I'll throw a hint to The Husband and see if my magical powers of persuasion will help him get it for me. We'll see on that one. :)


The last thing I remember before going to bed last night was...Tomorrow is a new day.

I may not know what will happen but whatever it is, I need to be thankful.

 

Completely unfair.

Absolutely, completely, utterly unfair.

I think people didn't quite understand the toll the botched adoption did on both of us. It was tough and a long road to heal from that. I managed to slap a smile on my face whenever people would ask or it was mentioned. Even now, seeing pictures on facebook are so tough that it stings.

 It was actually a year ago (almost exactly) as when we found out we were pregnant. We took it as a sign. We just KNEW this was it. This was God's gift to us. I guess it was our gift for 8 weeks (whatever, I'll take what I can get now). It makes this whole thing so much more painful that it is around the same time of year. What kind of sick joke is that?

 It's supposed to be fun and joyous....Theres a birthday pattern in our family (my birthday- two weeks later- mom's- two weeks later- my sister's- two weeks later- The Husband's- three weeks later my nephew's...then its the holidays!). Its great, I really used to love this time of year. It has, absolutely, been ruined. I told The Husband, "I just don't know what to do...or to think..or to feel." Poor guy. All he wants to do is comfort me by saying, "We really don't know anything.We will know on Monday." I'm not as optimistic. There was a sac and an underdeveloped fetal pole...at 8 weeks...no heartbeat. I am mentally preparing myself for the worst. I am glad we didn't tell people like a lot of people going through a loss. We had anticipated this being the day we officially told his parents (even though they unofficially knew).

 Instead, I spent the first part of the day sleeping from 10a-1p. Then The Husband dragged me out of bed and took me to lunch.

God, how'd I get so lucky?

 He even took me to look at new couches which cheered me up a little bit. Then we came home...and I went back to sleep. from 4-6p. He woke me up and felt terrible that all I wanted to do was sleep. I imagine he was Dr. Googling every possibility and what he can do for me. I feel so guilty that he is hurting and I can't be there for him like I want. 

He said one of the most amazing things while we were waiting for the doctor. "No matter what, this is NOT a road block, just a speed bump." I know I'll believe that some day, but right now, I just want to be done. I've wanted to be a mom my whole life and I thought this was the chance. I lost all hope of having a big family when we could not get pregnant right away...or within the first year...or within the 2nd year. It was tough. I gave that up. I decided I would be happy with what God gives me. I thought this was it.

My mom taught me to love FEARLESSLY and that is what I did. As much as this hurts, I'm so glad I did. It was an amazing feeling to have even if it was short lived. I would have regretted it if I hadn't.





I'm a prideful person. I like to prove people and myself wrong. I have always been the underdog and I am challenged in everything I do. I have come to accept this. I told The Husband this when we first got together. "Nothing ever comes easy for me, I have to do it my way." It's so true. So the very few people that do know about this will try to give their condolences and that will only make it worse for me. I know that sounds like a cop out, but its true. Its like falling in the crowded hall at school and everyone going "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH ARE YOU OKAY?" That is torture for me. I'm so afraid that this is going to turn into this. I am likely to take off time from work next week and I'm going to have to figure out what to do to get a fill-in and I'm anticipating the awkward moment when I have to tell one of my bosses, who has suffered multiple MCs. Did I mention one of our 'couple friends' just went through this last week? Horrible.

The Husband doesn't want to talk about what our next step will be. I want to walk in there with my mind made up as much as possible. I'm sure I will give the option of MCing naturally at home or a D&C. I am struggling with both options. I do not want to "wait this out," but I have obligations to my faith...and selfishly, I would like to be TTC by the end of the year.

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself, but it has really REALLY helped putting this out there. I feel a little more clear minded and able to process a little better.

I never thought I'd have to write this.

I hate being a statistic. I hate being a person whose body doesn't want to ever cooperate. I went for my 8 week ultrasound and doctor's visit to only experience the most heart wrenching thing possible. It was like Chinese water torture. We went in and I couldn't make anything out on the screen. I mean I thought I did but the tech (who was being trained....bad timing) was having a hard time gettin a good picture. I knew what to look for with a heart beat. Nothing. She tried finding my ovaries and only could find the left and only guessed on the right. Gee thanks. I'm already laying in an uncomfortable position with tears streaming down my face. The most vulnerable moment of my life. The lady doing the training explained to me that it's not as far along as my LMP date would indicate.  All the exam rooms were full and they sent me and The Husband out to the waiting room. I have never worked so hard to hold my composure. My husband is an amazing man an all he did was hold me. We go into an exam room 30 minutes later and the doctor explains that the baby looked like it was 6 weeks and not 8 weeks and possibly my numbers are wrong. I know my dates. I know when we do the deed. I know. We are not wrong. So I have to wait another week to get a follow up ultrasound. In the meantime, I've got to get a lot of bloodwork done and try to keep from losing my mind. This is pure torture. I have no hope. I hate saying that, but I already feel like a failure. I have another week, minimum, to feel this way. Here's another thing to add to my medical history.

I am so very grateful (not strong enough of a word) for The Husband. He could not be amazing. I feel horrible. I know he is hurting too and I just don't have the energy to console him because I'm trying to console myself. Hopefully I'll be able to get past my anger for myself and be able to cope, for both of our sake. He is so hopeful. He said there "must be a mistake." Of course I take that as an assault on me, even though I know rationally he is just being supportive. I'm just ready for a solution, whatever it may be.

Sorry for at typos. I'm on my phone.

Tomorrow is the day

Im praying that this time tomorrow (who am I kidding, WAY EARLIER THAN THIS) I will be posting a pretty little U/S picture to feel validated in my journey. Im officially 8 weeks tomorrow and have made it this far flawlessly. I believe prayer and positive thinking got me this far and that is all Im leaning on right now. This road has been long and hard and Im now on another road. Its crazy the horror stories you can find on the internet! I have had to disconnect myself from the computer so that I can find my 'happy' place again and not be overwhelmed with the negativity. So those 2 readers that actually read this :), please think of us tomorrow morning! I've never been so nervous in my life!!

4 more days!

I feel like updating will only be redundant. I'm still where I'm at, waiting....waiting..and more waiting for our 1st doctor's appointment. It is scheduled for Monday, bright and early! If I have waited this long, I can make it another 4 days! Its just hard to fathom even going. The Husband and I are pretty much riddled with so much fear of  what 'could be' that it has been hard for us to enjoy 'what is.' I'm hoping that by putting that out there, we can better cope and enjoy where we are this very moment. I've been that way my whole life- the enjoying where you are part. But IF took that fun part away from us! I hate it! Hopefully after Monday, we will have a little joy back and we can enjoy it again.

Geeez! I just reread that first paragraph and it sounds so dang sad. I swear, we are definitely NOT sad. We are elated to even be at this point. I do have to keep reminding myself of this....

Besides all of this that has been encompassing my life, school has decided to give me a swift kick in the ass and shown me WHY I hate taking the summer off again. Its nice to have a care-free (What's that?!) summer, but man I pay for it come fall. Its like everything escapes me. Since I have been off my Vyvanse, I find about a million different things I have to do than what I NEED to do. Its pretty annoying and causes a lot of frustration on my part. I'm hoping the end result is definitely more desirable

Hope everyone is doing well!

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Let the wait commence..

Isn't that all we do with TTC? We wait...and wait..and wait some more? Now that (hopefully!) I am at the end of our TTC road, thats still all I'm doing. Waiting for the doctor's office to call me back. Waiting for my prescription. Waiting for my 1st appointment(!!!!). Waiting , waiting, waiting...

You would think being in school would help alleviate the time a little and help it pass more quickly. WRONG!! It is going by so slow I can almost feel the seconds pass by. I think I just want some physical evidence that I can see that will make this a lot easier on me. With my slow rising HCG, (which corrected itself) it just worries me! I really think I implanted late and that's why my numbers weren't up yet, but I'm still concerned..of course.

On our long weekend we decided to go look at some houses to see what areas interested us the most and what we can afford. We've been preapproved for the amount we want but talked to our loan officer and we will be needing another $2k or so in order to have the adequate down payment. Bummer! We found a house we were going to put an offer in on. Thats okay, it's all about timing. By October or November, we will be ready to really start looking. By then we will be at a better spot.

What did you do with your weekend??