"discussing our options"

So, we got the HCG results back and they are slowly going down. They were at 7,845 (or something) and two days later 7,744. Not much but no where near where I should be at 8w5d. I've been pretty good all week until just now, when I talked to my mom about covering for me at work. She asked me, "well, are you okay?" and it made me stop and think for a minute. I'm probably not okay. I WILL be okay, but its okay to not be okay sometimes.

I called and cancelled our u/s for Monday. I think that has been the worst thing of this all. Just trying to make something out of the black and white screen that just looks like some weird alien things. You try to look for a flicker...but there is nothing. That is the absolute most painful.

You know, infertility has taken the fun out of getting pregnant (except this past cycle, coincidentally) and now this has take the fun out of being pregnant. The Husband said "this isn't fun anymore." I couldn't say it better myself. Maybe I am so sort of sick sadist who likes to experience this torture with me and my husband. I've already picked out a counselor at my church, for the next time we get pregnant. I may not be optimistic with this one, but next time I have no choice to be optimistic. Its just my nature.

I am about 90% we are going to opt for a medically induced m/c. I do not want to have a d&c unless it is absolutely medically necessary. We are in the process of looking and purchasing a house and our insurance is ridiculous. I know that is no reason to not get it, but I also do not want to be put under. I just don't want to do it.

I fell less morally charged by doing it medically induced as opposed to surgery. Call me crazy. I, in no means, am against a d&c. I just know it is not for me, right now.

So here we wait..another long weekend..another long wait...until Monday.

Turning the page...

After last nights blog-a-palooza, I laid in bed listening to Jesus Culture thinking, "What the hell am I going to do?"

 I reminded myself of the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

How true do those words ring? I said it over and over and began to understand the only thing I have a position to make a decision is...how I react. I cannot change anything. There's nothing I could do or could have done differently. I am at peace with that. I was actually up most of the day and was very productive. 

Last night, I wrote The Husband a sweet letter thanking him for what he had done for me that day and acknowledging that I know he is hurting too. I wrote in that letter that I had no idea what I was going to do today, with going back to work and going to get bloodwork done at the lab where the nurse was so happy this finally happened for us. I have to say today was amazingly normal. My nurse, Diana (she's a gem, really) didn't mention anything. We talked about the weather and simple stuff and I made it through the whole little visit with only getting choked up as I walked to my car. I was thankful for that. Work was great and it made it wonderful to see the kids, even if I had to go pick one up that was sick at school. They have no idea what is going on and I love them for that. They just know I need a hug and were very cuddly and sweet today. I have made it through the whole day without a tear. For that, I feel more accomplished than anyone can know. 

I was able to have a conversation with my MIL and discuss our options since The Husband is not prepared to do. He thinks we will have a miraculous conception or some crazy miracle. Bless his heart, I hope he is right, but I am not counting those chickens yet. No pun intended. I explained what my options are: either go natural or a D&C. I am concerned about the financial obligation of a D&C and need to call our insurance tomorrow. Our insurance BLOWS anyways and I swear they mark my account every time I call. I've been red-listed for 2 years because of being marked with "PCOS/INFERTILITY." So pretty much everything I get done or see the doctor for, they try to match with that diagnosis. So dumb. I am scared of the traumatic experience of going natural, as well. What a crappy decision to have to make!

I feel like I can't share what is going on with people until after I'm done with whatever decision we choose. I know that sounds very silly, but I just am not prepared to deal with the condolences BEFORE this nightmare is over. I am just ready for it to be over and to start on with the next step. 

I have a James Avery charm bracelet and love getting new charms. While looking up the serenity prayer, I found this beautiful thing...

I think I need it. Maybe I'll throw a hint to The Husband and see if my magical powers of persuasion will help him get it for me. We'll see on that one. :)


The last thing I remember before going to bed last night was...Tomorrow is a new day.

I may not know what will happen but whatever it is, I need to be thankful.

 

Completely unfair.

Absolutely, completely, utterly unfair.

I think people didn't quite understand the toll the botched adoption did on both of us. It was tough and a long road to heal from that. I managed to slap a smile on my face whenever people would ask or it was mentioned. Even now, seeing pictures on facebook are so tough that it stings.

 It was actually a year ago (almost exactly) as when we found out we were pregnant. We took it as a sign. We just KNEW this was it. This was God's gift to us. I guess it was our gift for 8 weeks (whatever, I'll take what I can get now). It makes this whole thing so much more painful that it is around the same time of year. What kind of sick joke is that?

 It's supposed to be fun and joyous....Theres a birthday pattern in our family (my birthday- two weeks later- mom's- two weeks later- my sister's- two weeks later- The Husband's- three weeks later my nephew's...then its the holidays!). Its great, I really used to love this time of year. It has, absolutely, been ruined. I told The Husband, "I just don't know what to do...or to think..or to feel." Poor guy. All he wants to do is comfort me by saying, "We really don't know anything.We will know on Monday." I'm not as optimistic. There was a sac and an underdeveloped fetal pole...at 8 weeks...no heartbeat. I am mentally preparing myself for the worst. I am glad we didn't tell people like a lot of people going through a loss. We had anticipated this being the day we officially told his parents (even though they unofficially knew).

 Instead, I spent the first part of the day sleeping from 10a-1p. Then The Husband dragged me out of bed and took me to lunch.

God, how'd I get so lucky?

 He even took me to look at new couches which cheered me up a little bit. Then we came home...and I went back to sleep. from 4-6p. He woke me up and felt terrible that all I wanted to do was sleep. I imagine he was Dr. Googling every possibility and what he can do for me. I feel so guilty that he is hurting and I can't be there for him like I want. 

He said one of the most amazing things while we were waiting for the doctor. "No matter what, this is NOT a road block, just a speed bump." I know I'll believe that some day, but right now, I just want to be done. I've wanted to be a mom my whole life and I thought this was the chance. I lost all hope of having a big family when we could not get pregnant right away...or within the first year...or within the 2nd year. It was tough. I gave that up. I decided I would be happy with what God gives me. I thought this was it.

My mom taught me to love FEARLESSLY and that is what I did. As much as this hurts, I'm so glad I did. It was an amazing feeling to have even if it was short lived. I would have regretted it if I hadn't.





I'm a prideful person. I like to prove people and myself wrong. I have always been the underdog and I am challenged in everything I do. I have come to accept this. I told The Husband this when we first got together. "Nothing ever comes easy for me, I have to do it my way." It's so true. So the very few people that do know about this will try to give their condolences and that will only make it worse for me. I know that sounds like a cop out, but its true. Its like falling in the crowded hall at school and everyone going "OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH ARE YOU OKAY?" That is torture for me. I'm so afraid that this is going to turn into this. I am likely to take off time from work next week and I'm going to have to figure out what to do to get a fill-in and I'm anticipating the awkward moment when I have to tell one of my bosses, who has suffered multiple MCs. Did I mention one of our 'couple friends' just went through this last week? Horrible.

The Husband doesn't want to talk about what our next step will be. I want to walk in there with my mind made up as much as possible. I'm sure I will give the option of MCing naturally at home or a D&C. I am struggling with both options. I do not want to "wait this out," but I have obligations to my faith...and selfishly, I would like to be TTC by the end of the year.

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself, but it has really REALLY helped putting this out there. I feel a little more clear minded and able to process a little better.

I never thought I'd have to write this.

I hate being a statistic. I hate being a person whose body doesn't want to ever cooperate. I went for my 8 week ultrasound and doctor's visit to only experience the most heart wrenching thing possible. It was like Chinese water torture. We went in and I couldn't make anything out on the screen. I mean I thought I did but the tech (who was being trained....bad timing) was having a hard time gettin a good picture. I knew what to look for with a heart beat. Nothing. She tried finding my ovaries and only could find the left and only guessed on the right. Gee thanks. I'm already laying in an uncomfortable position with tears streaming down my face. The most vulnerable moment of my life. The lady doing the training explained to me that it's not as far along as my LMP date would indicate.  All the exam rooms were full and they sent me and The Husband out to the waiting room. I have never worked so hard to hold my composure. My husband is an amazing man an all he did was hold me. We go into an exam room 30 minutes later and the doctor explains that the baby looked like it was 6 weeks and not 8 weeks and possibly my numbers are wrong. I know my dates. I know when we do the deed. I know. We are not wrong. So I have to wait another week to get a follow up ultrasound. In the meantime, I've got to get a lot of bloodwork done and try to keep from losing my mind. This is pure torture. I have no hope. I hate saying that, but I already feel like a failure. I have another week, minimum, to feel this way. Here's another thing to add to my medical history.

I am so very grateful (not strong enough of a word) for The Husband. He could not be amazing. I feel horrible. I know he is hurting too and I just don't have the energy to console him because I'm trying to console myself. Hopefully I'll be able to get past my anger for myself and be able to cope, for both of our sake. He is so hopeful. He said there "must be a mistake." Of course I take that as an assault on me, even though I know rationally he is just being supportive. I'm just ready for a solution, whatever it may be.

Sorry for at typos. I'm on my phone.

Tomorrow is the day

Im praying that this time tomorrow (who am I kidding, WAY EARLIER THAN THIS) I will be posting a pretty little U/S picture to feel validated in my journey. Im officially 8 weeks tomorrow and have made it this far flawlessly. I believe prayer and positive thinking got me this far and that is all Im leaning on right now. This road has been long and hard and Im now on another road. Its crazy the horror stories you can find on the internet! I have had to disconnect myself from the computer so that I can find my 'happy' place again and not be overwhelmed with the negativity. So those 2 readers that actually read this :), please think of us tomorrow morning! I've never been so nervous in my life!!

4 more days!

I feel like updating will only be redundant. I'm still where I'm at, waiting....waiting..and more waiting for our 1st doctor's appointment. It is scheduled for Monday, bright and early! If I have waited this long, I can make it another 4 days! Its just hard to fathom even going. The Husband and I are pretty much riddled with so much fear of  what 'could be' that it has been hard for us to enjoy 'what is.' I'm hoping that by putting that out there, we can better cope and enjoy where we are this very moment. I've been that way my whole life- the enjoying where you are part. But IF took that fun part away from us! I hate it! Hopefully after Monday, we will have a little joy back and we can enjoy it again.

Geeez! I just reread that first paragraph and it sounds so dang sad. I swear, we are definitely NOT sad. We are elated to even be at this point. I do have to keep reminding myself of this....

Besides all of this that has been encompassing my life, school has decided to give me a swift kick in the ass and shown me WHY I hate taking the summer off again. Its nice to have a care-free (What's that?!) summer, but man I pay for it come fall. Its like everything escapes me. Since I have been off my Vyvanse, I find about a million different things I have to do than what I NEED to do. Its pretty annoying and causes a lot of frustration on my part. I'm hoping the end result is definitely more desirable

Hope everyone is doing well!

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Let the wait commence..

Isn't that all we do with TTC? We wait...and wait..and wait some more? Now that (hopefully!) I am at the end of our TTC road, thats still all I'm doing. Waiting for the doctor's office to call me back. Waiting for my prescription. Waiting for my 1st appointment(!!!!). Waiting , waiting, waiting...

You would think being in school would help alleviate the time a little and help it pass more quickly. WRONG!! It is going by so slow I can almost feel the seconds pass by. I think I just want some physical evidence that I can see that will make this a lot easier on me. With my slow rising HCG, (which corrected itself) it just worries me! I really think I implanted late and that's why my numbers weren't up yet, but I'm still concerned..of course.

On our long weekend we decided to go look at some houses to see what areas interested us the most and what we can afford. We've been preapproved for the amount we want but talked to our loan officer and we will be needing another $2k or so in order to have the adequate down payment. Bummer! We found a house we were going to put an offer in on. Thats okay, it's all about timing. By October or November, we will be ready to really start looking. By then we will be at a better spot.

What did you do with your weekend??