1st Normal BBT Chart

Can I get a HOORAY for having my first month that looks pretty dang 'normal'? This is so stinking exciting that it is finally leveling out! What do you think?

I'm horrible at remembering to put in what meds I took that day or my symptoms. Usually Ill do that when I have a minute. I go back the day before and fill that out, so please don't think I haven't taken my metformin for 2 days ;) Normally my chart is ALL over the place. I don't even want to post one of my past charts..thats how crazy it is.

I've never wanted a line to stay up so much in my life! I know its early, but I'm praying it doesn't fall!

I hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

Choices in Infertility

I've been on a positivity kick recently--which I didn't know was possible with infertility! I've decided to have a "we have lots of options" look out on what we are going through and taking every day a minute at a time. I really don't know what has come over me, but I like it! It makes me feel like my "old" self- pre-clomid craziness!

That being said, I was talking to a friend the other day about how I'm going to make choices in my infertility. She brought up the fact that there are not very many choices in IF. Isn't that kind of true? A lot of times, your insurances tells you which doctor you can go to. You don't always get to choose if you're seeing the doctor or the nurse. Your treatment can be limited to their interpretation of your physical ability to obtain a pregnancy. These are all "short ends of the stick." I'm done with that crap! I'm choosing from now on..

I have decided I, officially, have 2 choices in our battle to become pregnant. These are two VERY important choices, us as IFers have to choose one.

1. I can choose to be a Negative Nancy, a Debbie Downer, or anything else that gives negativity a rhyming name. I can believe that all of our trials and tribulations WON'T work and that I am wasting our time, money, and emotional well-being.

OR

2. I can CHOOSE to be a Positive Polly, a Sunny Sally (I think you get what I'm doing here). I can choose to believe that this will work. This is what is meant to happen and we will be parents.

There are so many variables in all of our battles that we cannot control, but our attitudes are all ours. We can choose to not be so hard on ourselves. Do you think you deserve to be criticized all the time? I don't! I am ready to free myself of feeling worthless and inadequate. You do not deserve that either! 

Just like many other couples, our insurance covers 0%. If your insurance covers even 50%- Be happy! Thats 50% more than what a lot of people get. If your insurances covers 100%....Be ELATED! That's amazing and I'm so happy for you! Be happy that you get this opportunity to explore your options. The Husband and I are definitely not rich and this is very trying on our financial state (since I'm still in school and he works in public safety) but, we are CHOOSING our attitudes about every bump along the way. Let me just tell you, it feels GREAT!!

From now on, I'm choosing 2

So, who's with me?

Well, thats nice... (+book rec)

I have little faith in OPKs after my 3rd cycle on clomid (100mg) and I only got faint/almost dark enough test lines. It sucked! But I ovulated well. I'm sure I missed my surge but it is still frustrating nonetheless. This cycle has me cautiously optimistic. This picture is dark, but you get the jest-

It's hard to tell, but this was over the course of a day and a half. They progressively got darker and even with my Dollar Tree cheapie, the test line was actually darker. This is definitely a first time for me! Is it weird that I'm excited..just for that alone? The Husband was just as excited as I was! 

That being said, IF can play havoc on the strongest of marriages. I am glad to say that The Husband is not a "statistic" (his words). He has become so involved without being too intrusive, it's been amazing. I really do not know what I would ever do with out that man. He may not open the car door for me every time we go somewhere, but he sure does no when to tell me everything will be okay and "one day..". That's all that matters, folks. 

----

I have been on a self-help/infertility book kick this week- the latest one I have read was 

Managing The Stress Of Infertility: How To Balance Your Emotions, Get The Support You Need, And Deal With Painful Social Situations When You're Trying To Become Pregnant by Carol Fulwiler Jones MA. This was BY FAR one of the best books I've read in a while. Though I was slightly disappointed because she did not include any yoga for infertility (she is an instructor), however, I have gained so much insight. I have ADD and usually take vyvanse when not TTC...obviously I can't take it while we are trying, so it has definitely been a challenge in all aspects of my life: school, work, and socially. I get very overwhelmed when I am unmedicated so I am always looking for a new "anti-stress" exercise. This book was full of them! I have started 'positive thinking' and imagery before I go to bed. It has relaxed me and allowed me to believe in myself! One of the key points to this book was- let the thoughts and negativity pass. It is okay to have a thought, but do not store it like christmas decorations. Allow it to leave you and allow yourself to be happy and prepared for the next step. I needed to hear that this weekend. Being mid cycle 5 of 6 on clomid is petrifying. But knowing that I WILL become a mom some day- rather it be a clomid cycle, IVF, adoption - whatever....that is the reason I will wake up every morning and give it my all. 


I hope everyone has a fabulous week and get those BFPs, ladies! xoxo

Today is a new day!

I'm ABSOLUTELY done with the pity party and rerady to move on. The Husband insisted I get over what the acupuncturist said and keep my eye on the prize. It gets scary, though, being at these last 3 cycles. I have begun my Chinese herbs today and am hapy that they're easy to take. I am the worst medicine taker ever, so having my seal of approval pretty much means a toddler could take them. :)

I got up this morning and dusted myself off and looked in the mirror and reminded myself...

Though it seems like all I do is complain, I guarantee that I am (usually) a very 'sunny' person. I love to laugh and I LOVE to make people laugh. I've been letting IF take that from me and, for that, I need to find another way to cope.

I am glad that besides the IF, I am a healthy person.

And to be honest, even the bad days are better than some people's good days..and I couldn't be happier to spend them with my Husband. We celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary on Wednesday. I don't say it enough, this many is so amazing- I wonder how I got so lucky to find my other half!

A kick in the gut.

I was just thinking about how I haven't written in a while. Life has actually be pretty good. My attitude has been okay and so has my look-out....so I thought. I began acupuncture last friday (consequently my O day). It was awesome!!! It did not hurt as I was so relaxed afterwards. I slept the best I have in years. Even if it is psychosomatic, at least I'm benefiting! Today was my second appointment. I has been so excited to go and discuss my week and my BBT with her That's where I had a kick in the gut. She told me according to my chart, there is no conceivable way I could carry a viable pregnancy. Ouch. Thanks, for that. I began a more "intensive" treatment along with some Chinese herbs. Which sounds great-but after not conceiving for how many years....?......I am not mentally prepared for all the disappointment. I really thought this was our month. I've had symptoms this month that I have never had before. The Husband told me to not discount myself just yet this month-but to be honest, it's way easier to just assume its not going to be it for us this month. That scares me. Then we're only left to two more rounds of clomid. :( I wish I could unwind.

Ultimate Frisbee!

So today started like a normal day..except not! The Husband called me and told me our best 'couple' friends were coming over to do a CrossFit work out in the front yard. Cooool...I was glad I wasn't home. Its 106 in Texas this week! OUCH! Well, right after that call, I got off early! Awesome!! So I booked it home and watched them work out and almost pass out then it was off to ultimate frisbee. We've been talking about playing for a very long time so this was a great opportunity to go and it also be with our friends. Well, we get there and it was a bunch of high school kids. We were the only 4 adults there. Ha! The other 3 played and I watched (half because I had NO idea how to play and Im an observer- and- my hot flashes have been KILLER this round of Clomid. I was petrified Id pass out on the field!). SO FUN! The Husband had such a blast playing (so happy to see that!).

As a couple, we had gone YEARS with out a 'couple' to be friends with. Usually, one of us likes one and the other can't stand the other (in most cases it was me). Its great to have a 'couple' we can go out to eat with, go to the movies, play ultimate frisbee, go to the river, etc with. I think that is so important! It helps you grow as a couple and as friends. It just so happens it is one of The Husband's co-workers and his wife. In his line of work (LE), it is so imparative to work and associate with people you trust completely. The Husband trust that his friend will have his back and he would have his back as well. As a wife of an LEO, I yearn to see that sort of relationship in his workplace. He NEEDS that. It's a sense of security in a world that is not secure.

So to recap today- WAY BETTER than my whole week has been. I feel like Clomid has never made me this emotional, but I'm sure The Husband would beg to differ.

A speck in the scheme of things.

The Husband told me I'm losing it today because I really wanted him to look at an adoption agency that I would like to use... If in the case this doesn't work. And if it does, it's still something I want to do. I think our failed adoption has opened our eyes to a lot of situations. I don't talk much about it, but I am a very religious person. I teach Sunday school and love my faith. The Lord is my savior. I do believe in the freedom to believe in what you want and defi items not push your beliefs upon someone else. Pretty much this means to friends and on Facebook. That being said, my church speaks to me. It gives me faith and hope. It's my Truth and that's great. Our Pastor talked about the worst pain in your life (physical or emotional) is only just a speck in the grand scheme. That got me thinking of a bigger picture. Even on today, a bad day, I think about that and it puts my heart to ease a little. This truth let's me know that my present situation will change and it may or may not be in the favor I wish....and that's okay. We will be okay. We are okay now. We are fighters and survivors...we will become parents. Speaking of hard days, it is so difficult to have people give me sympathy and be too unrealisticly optimistic. I know that sounds ungrateful and cynical, but really it's the truth. Obviously I would never say that to someone, in fear they would be embarrassed as take my clomid moody attack to heart. I am not one who like attention unless you are laughing at my jokes. And really I hate when you trip or fall and the whole audience who saw you does a unanimous, "ohhhhhh! Are you ok?" holy moly that pisses and embarrasses me so bad. Going through infertility is like one big fall in the middle of the most crowded hallway possible. I know people mean well, I really do. I really hope that this time next year I look back at this and feel differently about this. Until next time. CD4 Xoxo