21 weeks 4 days

Holy moly! How have I not posted on here in such a long time? Insanity, I tell you! Currently I am 21w4d and feeling every bit of it. I have never been so excited for Thanksgiving in my life (foooooooooooood!) and I feel like I'm counting down for that more than Ryan's big debut! I'm sure after it passes, I'll be able to concentrate on more important things :)  Currently, I am still in school and trying my hardest to not get too excited about other things. This has by far been one of my hardest semesters....all because my mind is every where else except where it needs to be. I guess there is a good reason for that, though! 

We had our anatomy scan almost 2 weeks ago and as excited as I was for it, it was torture! What the hell What To Expect When You're Expecting--thanks for telling me that passing out during an ultrasound 'is normal'--OH WAIT, you didn't! I had a really hard time even getting through the whole ordeal and we still didn't get all the measurements of this little dude like we should've SO- extra ultrasound in 2 weeks to get those measurements! I thought I would be happy about the extra pictures but really, I'm nervous of the same out come of the last one! It was pretty ridiculous. I thought it was the waffles and grape juice I drank before the appointment to get him moving.

As for everything else, we are doing well! This dude is kicking me as I type this, in fact. I still cannot believe we have made it to this point. Saying we feel blessed is the understatement of the year! We are beyond blessed-- purely a miracle!

18 weeks! (tomorrow)

I would never had though in a million years that I would be at 18 weeks (this picture was from our NT at 12 weeks)! Crazy thought! On top of being 18 weeks, we are (read that: The Husband is) painting our front room for our little dude. It looks awesome and I can't wait to start getting things together. This whole school thing sure is getting in the way of becoming a new mom. This weekend was definitely a busy weekend for us. Besides the painting that is getting done, our new crib that the in-laws bought came in. While I went to Target, The Husband and his dad went to pick it up. I LOVE IT! We were looking at our calendar and after this weekend, we are almost booked solid! There is so much fall and holiday stuff...I can hardly contain myself. I'm glad we are able to get this stuff done now or we'd be in January/February trying to get everything together. Funny how time becomes very relative when the holidays come around!

Sorry I've been MIA!

I feel like I haven't posted in forever... Which is pretty close to the truth. For some reason I thought I would "jinx" myself. I refuse to believe in the humbo jumbo anymore.

We are pregnant!

About 16 weeks actually!


It's amazing to have gotten this far and see my little poppy grow and grow! We have an appointment on Monday to do my first glucose tolerance tests and we are doing a gender scan!! It's all so surreal, it's hard to believe its real!

The past year was one of the hardest--- scratch that---- it was the hardest time I've ever had. After coming of the "suspected partial molar" experience and subsequent d&c in April, we booked our miscarriage cruise! I highly suggested a beautiful relaxing vacation after a loss. It allows you to disappear for a week to gather your thoughts and lets you grieve on your own (with your partner).

We were told to wait 6 months, but while on our cruise we felt our "calling" was to do foster care. When we got home we hit the ground running. We were 3 weeks from being licensed when I needed to take provera to start my cycle after the d&c. I took a precautionary HPT and got those two lines. I was so SAD. I was kicking myself for not following my hcg to zero. I had followed it to under 100 but went on vacation and just forgot. My veins were so shot after all this, it was a needed break. After a few hectic weeks... We confirmed we have a sticky bean! Thank you, God! What a pleasant surprise!!!!

Deciding on Foster/Adopt

We have touched on foster/adopting through the state before but really wanted to try to have a biological child first, then pursue that option. On our vacation, The Husband brought it up. I have always been open to it but he was more apprehensive. He feels compelled to start the process! We have chosen an agency and are slowly gathering things to set the house up to be prepared for the home study. We begin our classes next week and could not be any more thrilled! Its an amazing feeling to have the ball rolling in the right direction for once. So as we get the process started, Ill be able to update a little more often!

Where to begin? post-miscarriage vacation!

It was pretty hard after the D&C to come on her to write something. I did not want to rehash emotions that I had finally felt like I had resolved. Its crazy to feel accomplished if you made it a day without wanting to lose it. I was also in the middle of finals for school- so that wasn't a de-stresser, that's for sure! We were able to go on vacation shortly after (about two weeks) the procedure....BEST MONEY SPENT EVER! I think every couple deserves a post-miscarriage vacation.

We ended up going on a cruise...yes, I know what you're thinking.....Everyone told me how crazy we were for doing it. And YES it was Carnival. After the hell we have been through, ANYTHING would be a vacation at this point. We had a FABULOUS time! We were at sea for a day first, which turned out to be very windy and chilly from some weather passing through. The next day, we were in Key West, FL where we did a pub crawl with our dinnermates that we had met. It was one of our favorite moments of the whole week. WHAT FUN! In Freeport (bahamas) we went out on a boat and went reef snorkeling. Beautiful! In Nassau, I found a resort that was all inclusive. Best decision! The Husband and I cut loose and had a great time. Following that was another 2 days at sea before we arrived home.

It was really REALLY really needed. We needed that time away from our every day life to just stop and enjoy each other. It was great to get away, even if I did miss my pups so much. Im pretty sure The Husband even made me a towel Shiner so I had something to cuddle with.

While on vacation, Key West..mid pub crawl actually haha, my doctor (actual DOCTOR..usually it is the nurse) called to tell me the results of my pathology. We had received results and she told me them at my check-up post op, but she was not very convinced with their results. She told me she was having them run even more tests on them to make sure she could accurately give me a diagnosis. In the end, she told me that it "could" have developed into a partial polar pregnancy, as the path lab said there were parts that were questionable. She said she'd like to see me wait 3 months and then we can move along from there. I'm satisfied with this and was glad to get that call when we did. It gave The Husband and I  'permission' to relax and have fun.

So here we go!

Vacation day...oh yeah and Mother's Day too.

I thought I had prepared myself for Mother's Day this year. It's especially painful with two losses in the past year. I'm so ready for that excitement once again. Today instead of dwelling-- my dashing young (he is funny and loves me to introduce him as that) are going on a cruise! I am so ready to get out of here for a week. I'm sure going to miss our weenie dogs though! I actually did decent in school this past semester, by the grace of God. I don't know how I passed!

So just over 2 weeks I am back to normal 100%. I meant to post last week but with finals there was no way. I only bled for a couple of days at my week mark or so. It wasn't horrible but it was torture because I have to use a pad. Totally not used to all that. If you're going through it-don't google! It told me I needed to go to the ER. Take your painkillers and go to bed. By a week and a half you're doing great!:)


I'm ready to complete one of the most painful days of the year. We are all in this together. Just smile and nod if someone asks you hurtful questions or dares to tell you happy Mother's Day. Remember that they do not know your situation and your struggles. It's not always fair to hold it against them..and more importantly let those mothers around you enjoy. Though we are hurting, it doesn't not deny others from the joy.

See y'all next week!

The day after D&C

Im actually feeling pretty good, except for the little sleep I received last night. I was able to wake up and make breakfast and sit down and do the copious amount of homework Ive let build up. I am so ready for this semester to be over and ready to go on vacation. I have not taken my pain meds this morning and I feel pretty good, again just extremely tired. Thankfully The Husband is off with me until Sunday so I can get a lot of rest and a lot of homework done before Monday.

D&C

I had my D&C at 11 am on Wednesday, April 24th. I survived! I opted to have it in office under IV sedation to avoid hospital fees for the same procedure. I will say the actual procedure and the recovery has been so much easier than I had anticipated. Prior to the procedure they had me take a zofran and a Xanax. I need more than one of those things, they never control my anxiety fully. Thank goodness The Husband was in attendance and tried to help me. The worst part of the whole thing was waiting. Waiting to get called back. Waiting for the anesthesiologist. Waiting for the meds. It was very trying. I had an anxiety attack by the time I was receiving my IV. I wish The Husband had come back with me at that point. I started to cry and started sweat. I couldn't stop shaking and felt like I was going to pass out. I had not had an attack in so long I forgot how scary they are. He sent me to the operation room and I started to faint but thankfully made it to the table. He saw what was going on and was able to give me some more anti-anxiety medication prior to the sedation. The next thing I remembered was being women up and the nurse dressing me. I wore my Uggs and she couldn't get them on. I also asked her if I bled a lot and she studdered and said a lot of tissue was removed.  I remember thanking the anesthesiologist profusely for helping me. I was desperate. I got in a wheelchair some how and made it to the car. I finally got home. My sweet MIL ordered us pizza and I was able to eat! I was starved prior to the procedure so I was excited to eat. I fell asleep until 5 or so and felt way better. My pain has been under control, just as discharge and bleeding has been minimal. Rachel sent me a beautiful flower arrangement that is probably the prettiest arrangement ever. Now it's 330A and I cannot sleep for the life of me. We did get a chance to book the rest of our vacation fun, so that wads nice vacation. We have 17 days! In that 17 days I have to finish school :( it's crunch time.


The import at part is I'm ok, right now.


Here's to more waiting.

"Don't give up!"- a breakdown, adoption, West and Boston.

I had a particularly hard morning that was pleasantly coincided with The Husband calling me every so often right exactly when I needed to talk to him. One of the moms I work for had told me after I told her of this pregnancy failure to "Don't give up!" She texted me again yesterday to tell me the same thing, obviously she really means it, I guess. Though I was thrilled with a friend's first ultrasound today, I have a feeling of impending doom the closer I get to Wednesday. I am ready for this to be over. I'm ready for the headaches, nausea, weakened immune system, just everything! I'm so over all of this. I would gladly take this in a heartbeat with good reason, I am not enjoying it right now! One of the little boys I nanny for  (it was just him and I on Friday) has autism and "scripts" movies a lot. He's a one man show! Well I'm sure it came from a movie but he told me yesterday, just like his mom, "Aunt Shannon, don't give up! Really, you can do it!"  (he has an Aunt Shannon and my nephews call me that....so its just easier to go with it than continual try to explain its Mrs Shannon.) Oh mylanta.. I about lost it. How did this 6 year old little boy know exactly what I needed to hear but was scared to hear at that very moment? I hugged him so tight and told him I loved him. After that, my day kind of numbed out. I was able to function, after I pushed back a few tears.

I cam home from work on Wednesday, sick as a dog. The Husband told me that we are going to dinner since he didn't know how to make soup and I hate the canned stuff. I definitely was needing something to eat after a couple days of not having much more than juice. We went to Sweet Tomatoes and started the normal after work talks we do every day. "How was your day?" "What did you do?" It was his day off so I imagined it was full of homework and some silly shows on DVR. He told me he couldn't get anything done. I wasn't surprised because, lets be honest, he's a man! :) He finally told me he was looking up adoption all day. WOW. I have brought up adoption with him in the past, I am all for it. I have always wanted to adopt and even with this current pregnancy, we had discussed adopting for a 2nd, but he wasn't sold. I never wanted to "talk him into" adoption. Who wants to do that? I felt that brings resentment and no one needs that! We discussed a little more about what  he envisions and how he would like it to go. After our failed kin adoption in '11, he is nervous of the prospects of the child being 'taken back.' We've been burned before, I understand his concern. He would prefer to do it international, maybe domestically, but is not very interested in foster to adopt. Its a hairy thing in Texas and with him being in law enforcement, he doesn't feel safe doing it right now. I respect all of that. We are taking things step by step and have decided to figure out a plan this summer. Lord knows how long it will take me to be able to get pregnant again, if it's possible.

We were joking that we aren't good gardeners. We can plant it but we can't make it grow. Its kind of funny/sad.

I cannot write an enormously long blog and not post about the events in West, Tx and Boston. West, Tx holds a lot of memories near and dear to me. Stopping for kolaches along the way from Dallas to Austin or San Antonio. It is very painful to watch the footage and think of the ones lost in that. The evens that unfolded in Boston were insane. Luckily, The Husband worked yesterday but was home yesterday evening so we were able to sit next to each other on the couch and watch the footage of the remaining bomber being captured. It was amazing how the agencies worked together so swiftly to apprehend him. Watching it unfold and seeing the glimmer in my husband's eyes, I know he would be right in there. He is one to face the fear that others run from. He was so excited that the guys leaving the scene in Watertown received such praise. These guys do not get thanked enough for what they do. They may be the last thing you want behind you when you're speeding, but they are the first thing you want coming towards you when there is danger. I'm so thankful I married my own hero.

Keep on keepin' on..

Since all that has transposed has kind of hit us hard, we've decided to definitely go on vacation in May. It's kind of helping me cope and look forward to something. The D&C has me freaked out. Mostly the being sedated business. I don't like that! We spent all day yesterday looking at vacations and couldn't finalize anything. I think it's in between a cruise or a road trip to Colorado. I've never been to Colorado for anything but business and that'd be cool. But am I really going to be up to moving and hiking? Whatever it is, I'm just ready to get out of here!!! I'm starting to get bitter. I hate that feeling! I think it's worse because I was reading on how if it is deemed "molar" I will be put on birth control for approximately 6+ months. That's tough to swallow. I hate that idea! Trying to conceive is all. I've know for 4 years. 4 years! And now I'm supposed to stop for 6+ months?! I'm also bitter that my d&c is scheduled for two days before my first due date. Horrible timing! I feel like I just can't catch a break. I've, oddly, been able to hold it together pretty well. I don't know where this Hercules strength has come from, but I'll take it! I am almost numb to this whole thing. Again, I hate this! I hate feeling like this! And I hate feeling like just another statistic. Who knew life could be THIS hard?

"Molar" pregnancy

So for the 2nd time in 7 months, I will be having to medically end a pregnancy. It's really sad that I am almost desensitized from the whole thing. It really sucks. I don't even have adequate words for it. I really felt this was "it" and I'm very pissed that this shit has ruined ANY future pregnancy. So what's the next step? D&C scheduled for 4/24 and after that we are doing extensive bloodwork. I am looking forward to answers since this isn't seeming like a coincidence anymore.


Seriously. This sucks.

What should be 7w

I'm having a very hard day. I barely made it out of bed by 1pm, just in time to get ready for work. I'm feeling the impending doom of my appointment tomorrow. I've been very positive up until today. I think it's me trying to prepare myself for the worst. I'm really concerned that I have to go to the appointment alone. The Husband works tomorrow and isn't positive he will be able to come to the appointment. My mom is covering for me at work and everyone else is busy. It's sucks to have to go through this...but going alone really sucks. I'm praying for fabulous news tomorrow...but I know the odds are against me. Until next time..

6w0d

Today would mark 6 weeks exactly. At my last appointment, Dr G suggested we make an appointment for an ultrasound at 6w. I made it for today and The Husband was able to come, thankfully. I went through the whole schpeel with him...of you see something flicker, grab my phone. We were so excited which was so weird to me since the last first ultrasound we had was so traumatizing when it showed a blighted ovum. They started te ultrasound... And again all was found was a sac. She said it measured 5-5.5 weeks which isn't totally off but let's be honest...I know when I conceived! It is so difficult to see that screen with a little circle again. Screw you, infertility! I have tried my hardest to be strong and hold it together because The Husband just doesn't know what to do for me. I pray for a miracle but am preparing for the worst. What's the killer is...April 27th was my last due date...mother's day was when we were going to announce....a horrible time to be going through a miscarriage.

5w0d

How crazy is it to say that again? I am just so dang excited I can't even concentrate on ANYTHING. This becomes very inconvenient when I am trying to finish up school! I was telling a friend that I am way more excited this time around because of my beta increase. I wasn't this thrilled last time. I let my fear be bigger than me. This time, my faith is bigger than my fear. I have my first appointment on April 3rd...ONE week from today. Well technically it would be 6 days away. With Easter this weekend, I'm sure I will be able to keep my mind off of it for a little bit. If you're the religious type, I ask you to kindly send me your prayers. I am so ready for this to be "real" that I am not looking for any other option.

6 more days!

Welp!

I haven't been blogging for a while because this thing called "life" seems to get in the way. Don't you hate it when that happens? Let's see what has happened... school has really bit my ass, spring is finally here, oh and I got one of these...

We could not be more elated but obviously are cautiously optimistic. I went in for my betas #1  (13dpo)and #2 (15dpo) and they seem to be doing great. Way better than last time! 

Obviously this is very early! Our first u/s is on April 3rd. I couldn't bring myself to having one on the 1st!

Hope all is well!

And LOUISE!- don't spill the beans! :)

CD1...cycle ???

You know, as I enter start CD1...again, I am trying to think back on exactly WHAT cycle we are on. I guess it really doesn't matter since it will be 4 years this coming May. Ouch. 4 years, never thought I'd see that coming. Well this post just turned the other direction than I anticipated. I came to write about how positive I am about this whole thing today. I'm almost giddy! Partially because I'm excited for my girl over at  Picked Perfect! and her upcoming (1st!) Femera cycle! Yeehaw! I'm positive about mine as well, though my doctor has decided to keep me at 100mg. I really think that she's pushing her luck with a 2nd (well, really this would be my 4th cycle) of 100mg. Whatever, I'll trust her..for now! So here we go cycle # unknown...Let's do this!

Bad night to fight

The Husband and I rarely fight. We have squabbles but who doesn't? Tonight we have had a bit of a doozy. Horrible night to have a hormone induced rage.

less than 2 beta

I got my results back today, < freaking 2. Wow. Days like today make me rethink life decisions. haha I say that a lot, so do not take that without a grain of salt. It just makes you rethink anything you felt or thought this cycle. I hate that infertility has been able to take away any joy I had left out of this whole TTC business. We have decided to go forward with planning our vacation in May and whatever happens between now and then will just have to fit into those plans. So here's onto another cycle!

Going for a beta

I'm not trying to get my hopes up in the least, but I did get a few faint BFPs this weekend. I haven't tested in the last 24-36 hours because really I don't want to stress. It is either a BFP or Im going on to the next round. So tomorrow I am going at 9am for my first beta since August. Has it really been that long?


Just to symptom spot a little:
- constantly runny nose
-twinges and cramps
-TONS of creamy CM
-the ridiculous dizziness

I'll find out on Wednesday..so either I get to give The Husband an awesome Valentine's gift......that I don't have to buy :)  or I have to go buy a bottle of wine........and something for The Husband. :)

Got to give a shout out to my girl at Perfectly Picked! for the BEAUTIFUL bracelet and chocolate and the sweetest card I think anyone has ever sent to me!!

My "replacement" Diana

I went to my DR this morning to do my monthly check and her new nurse is my new Diana I have determined. She is sweet, kind, and very understanding. Im really not hard to please, I just want someone with a soul. Ha! Regardless, at least my appointments will be a little nicer. Her old nurse was super rude and cold. Not really what you want when you're about to jump up on a table and..well, you get it.

My DR was super excited to see me. This is pretty weird because usually she is very standoffish and doesn't like to become attached. She seemed happy to see me continuing our journey and was ecstatic to see that I have ovulated. It is nice to have the lady with the degree on her wall in your corner. I start testing tomorrow morning. I know we're not the lucky ones to get a BFP on our first round again, but I am hopeful! The Husband is beyond hopeful this time, which makes me feel pretty good.

Awkward moment of the day: I only wear those crazy ankle socks you can find at Target. Sometimes they match, sometimes they don't..luckily today I had my valentine's day ones on that had neon orange hearts. While I was mid-exam with my feet in the stirrups the nurse grabs my foot and says "Wow! Cute Socks!! Where did you get them?" .....Not the time!

Dangit, Diana!!

I am irrationally sad that my favorite nurse is no longer working at the clinic I have my blood draws taken. I went in yesterday to get my 7DPO progesterone draw and a new girl called me back. I was a little freaked out because I've always had Diana. One Stick Diana, even. This girl does not put any gloves on (I didn't even notice until we were done) and searched and searched for vein. She stuck me and then asked "Where do they normally stick you?" Oh geez lady! Diana would never do that!!!! So she poked aroun until she found a gusher. My track marks are heinous! As I was leaving, I asked if Diana was out today and they acted really weird "Oh no...she's no longer employed here..she doesn't work here." I feel like she should've called me before she quit (I remember her saying she was looking for a 2nd job). I'm kidding, but really it's sad! It's amazing how we seem to get so attached to "constants" in this wild journey. She was an amazing person. She called me 5 times when my miscarriage blood work came in to "check me." She left me messages every time and I could tell she was tearing up. Then when I saw her for a follow up draw (well more like a million follow ups), she was so compassionate. She really wanted this for us. I know a lot of people want this for us, but I could really just feel it coming from her. I'll definitely miss, Diana.

On another note, I did get my results. 16.9! So I DID ovulate! So now here's back to that waiting junk that us IFers are so dang used to. I have a follow-up appointment with my DR tomorrow. Curious what she has to say to me, I haven't seen her since December...maybe November!


Keep your head up ladies!



Ps...this was posted from my phone. Sorry for the typos!

Thought of the day...

I had posted this picture on facebook after seeing it somewhere. I LOVE this so much! I think I may print it out so I can see it every day. Its so true!

As far as the TTC train is moving along, I am experiencing pretty bad O cramps in my lower back on my right side today and into this evening. I'm actually pretty excited. I've only gotten these pains WHEN I have actually O'd. So we'll see soon, as I'm taking my TCM, OPKs, and temping to see whats going on with this crazy body I've got.

January already?

Where has the time gone? I have no idea! I feel like I have been on overdrive since Christmas...Oh wait, I have! Life has been crazy, as it is for everyone. I've started a new semester with school and it is going to be a doozie. 164 questions for a study guide, what is going on here!? I'll survive, but thats only because that is all I know how to do.

I was blind-sided by a call I received from a family member today. She was gentle in telling me that the family member's girlfriend, whom we had the adoption agreement with, was pregnant again. Just a little back story on that:  My husband cousin and his girlfriend were pregnant and had a baby in '11...they were 17 and 18 and had propositioned to adopt their baby. Shortly before the baby was born, they recanted. Devastation is not even close to what we experienced with that. We had made preperations (lawyer, etc)..everything besides buying furniture. We were even thinking about moving so they would have no idea where we lived. My husband's cousin and his girlfriend are not in a healthy relationship. They're very lucky that her parents are kind enough to be raising their daughter right now.

I will say that I am not nearly as upset over this than I thought I would be. This definitely pisses me off, especially on the cusp of my best friend's 15 year old niece being pregnant..but I think that I'm in a better place than I was. Thank GOD I did not find out before Christmas. I would've been crushed.

So, of course, in natural IF style, I'm throwing myself a pity party. You're invited! :) I kid, I kid. But really..

I'm just so tired of trying and not succeeding. I know my situation is better than a lot of women, but my situation is unique to me. I will never give up in finding my rainbow baby. I will never stop trying. The time in between now and baby bliss is the killer. I keep telling myself that I can't rush this and, honestly, I've done really well over the last 4 months. But now, here I sit, wishing it was me..again.

New Year!

After reading some people's blogs about doing wonderfully, amazing things fro NYE...I wonder if they're really telling the truth. I will tell you what The Husband and I did. It was wonderfully, amazing! We put on our PJs and opened the champagne at like 7. We at chicken tacos and queso and he talked me into playing the xbox while I got tipsy. When that was over, I had to make him a cup of coffee because at 10pm he was already draggin'. Finally we made it to 12...he made it to 12:05 and was in bed.

It was really wondeful though. I really didn't get sad this Thanksgiving or Christmas, but New Year's hit me hard for some reason. Don't get me wrong, I was emotional through all the holidays, but NYE got me. I put a status on my facebook :

 2012 has been one of the most trying and difficult years of life....sprinkled with some incredible memories. If I had it all to do over again, I would. Thank you 2012 for teaching me what is important and thanks to my Kyle, family, friends and friends that are like family for being there along the way. ♥

The responses I received were phenomenal and really just hit me. I had to keep from tearing up from the support from our friends and family that may or may not know exactly what we have gone through this year. I'm a Virgo so it's hard for me to accept compliments and praise. This was very difficult! The Husband was more than just amazing this New Year's. He finally asked why I was moping around and what he could do to help. I told himw hat my deal was and he told me that he was bummed too, though he wasn't going to show it to me. Sweet guy. At midnight, he woke up from his post- taco/champagne/beer/queso/coffee daze and went to the Christmas tree and grabbed two bells off the bottom. (Are we the only ones who put bells on the bottom of the tree? We tell people its for the dogs but really its so I don't peek!) He grabbed my hand and made me go out on the deck in the freezing rain and ring my dang bell! He told me that we were ringing in the new year "out with the old and in with the new." This simple gesture meant so much to me. I cannot believe how much that really meant to me. He really is my soulmate and times like this he solidifies it. I felt like a load had been lifted off my shoulders and I knew that this guy was IN IT WITH ME.

My Clomid buddy, Rachel and I were discussing how lucky we are to have men that are really IN IT with us. They aren't just in the process, they are a part of the process...holding your hand along the way. The Husband is gaining almost (almost:) ) as much knowledge on TTC as I have gained. Its encouraging to know that I am not the only one that knows the procedures and next steps that we are going to be faced.

With that being said...
Bring it on, 2013! Lets see what you got!