Newtown, CT

I didn't want to have to talk about the tragedy in Newtown, CT...but I feel like I need to. I mean, who really wants to talk about something so torrific as this? I'm still in shock that it happened, to be honest.

 In The Husband's line of work, it is expected that there is an element of danger. When he first became a jailer and then put himself through the academy..it was hard transition. I'm glad that I was there from the beginning. It made the whole process a lot easier for both of us. In law enforcement, there is that adrenaline rush and that aspect of danger. The Husband came to me and told me something that I had been thinking. He told me that with his work it was a given, but with my future line of work...who would've thought? I'm in school to obtain a degree in Education. Obviously I don't live in a land of lollipops and gumdrops, but its just simply disgusting to think that it is now becoming a given in that line of work, too. It's hard for me not to imagine scenarios of 'could' happen in my head. I'd like to think that I would be a Vicki Soto. Every one of the adults were amazing, but her story has struck me. She is my age and had the same fire in her to teach and protect children as I do. We need more Vicki Soto's in this world!

I pray for everyone who lost their lives on 12.14.12. I cannot imagine the pain that anyone dealing with the aftermath is going through. I searched the web for a long time looking for the best picture that I could find that depicted this tragedy for me.

This is what I found. It shows in the brink of tragedy and evil in this world, the good come together and protect each other. I know this hit a lot of IFers very hard. It's hard to understand why we can't have children and then to see something like that brings a whole new fear and unexplained tragedies.

I saw someone write that they were "upset" that parents were saying they were "holding their children tighter" tonight. They didn't understand why they weren't holding them as tight as possible anyway. I think if you feel that way, it may be a great time to take a break. Honestly. I have been in some very dark places in my journey, more-so in the past year, but if I had ever thought loving parents were cruel..then I am in this for the wrong reasons. We all grieve in different ways and it does not make any better than the other. I hope we can all learn from this and become more well-aware and understanding of each other..instead of letting it divide us.

Think of these precious children and adults who won't be having a Christmas this year. They're innocence and their bravery should be motivation enough for all of us to do the right thing. God bless you and Merry Christmas!



December, is that you?

It's been pretty eventful lately...not! Well sort of kind of, at least in the world of TTC. I did not end up getting my provera RX. I just had a feeling I did O after the m/c and I would start on my own naturally. I was right, for once! it wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated but I am glad that is over. I started soy isoflavones CD 5-8 (though I know people take them earlier, I really just decided last minute). I've started OPKs but just out of habit not necessity. I'll take it seriously in a few days.

I've had a hard couple of days with work drama with The Husband and just feeling overwhelmed lately. I waited until The Husband went to bed last night and sat on the floor praying and crying and praying and crying. I feel so much better today. I fell refreshed and able to take everything on again. It's weird to say..and chances are its the soy helping pump that estrogen..but...I have felt a "big cry" coming for a week now. Almost as if, I just needed to get it all out so I can move on. I did..and I feel pretty good now!

In spirit of looking towards the future and all that I am looking forward to or am grateful for... I figured I'd make myself  a list..

1. Ugly Sweater Party next weekend!
2. My friends coming into town!
3. Actually starting on my own
4. My sweet puppies!
5. CHRISTMAS!!
6. Getting back to TTC life.
7. Hopefully starting back at acupuncture next month!

Obviously I am also so grateful for The Husband and the most amazing family and friends I could have been blessed with!

With being excited for the Ugly Sweater Party, I am starting to get ready with gathering my recipes and the food I want to make. I'm having a hard time deciding exactly what I want to serve!

What are your Christmas party plans? What is your favorite recipe for the festivities?

stress overload!

I've taken an unwanted absence because of school. It finally caught up with me! Everything we have dealt with over the past 4 months finally has come to a head when talking about school. I'm waiting for AF to show and she is wanting to take her dang time. I really hate taking provera or as The Husband refers to them.. "bitch pills" for obvious reasons. :) Besides that, life has been just fine. It's not always pretty, but we get through don't we? I'm highly anticipating the end of my classes and the beginning of the holidays! I've been working hard to finish early and be done before Thanksgiving. I work next week on Monday and Tuesday while The Husband is off ALL week! The only thing that is getting me through the next few days is the fact that I will have ALL of Wednesday off with The Husband. I told him early, we will be doing nothing but lovin'! We've missed each other so much and we need that day to decompress. I may even get him to pull down the Christmas decorations!! :) I CANT WAIT!!!

In case I do not get back on before then, Happy Thanksgiving to you and your's!

November!

I'm so excited that it's November! Pretty much I just like to refer to November as the month of everything pumpkin. I have no complaints there! :) I had someone ask me if it was too early to put up their Christmas decorations. I told her "you're asking the wrong lady!" If I got in the attic (I refuse!) I would have already pulled them out and have them ready to be put up in the next two weeks. The Husband rations me and will make me wait until Black Friday, like that will stop me or something!  My theory is, set them up whenever!..and just don't invite anyone to your house. Then no one will know you are crazy!

School has been absolutely kicking my in the ass and I'm trying to take it like a champ. I have 3 major projects coming up that I need to concentrate on, but it gets hard! Hopefully I will be done with one in the next couple of days so then I only have 2 more to work on. Last night I was taking one of my last exams (early, might I add) and I got a wave of dizziness and nausea at the same time. I had to finish and lay on the couch to even finish getting The Husband's uniform pressed for the morning. I could barely stand up and the room was spinning. It was so strange! I'm trying not to symptom spot, but its hard when you feel so crappy. I slept about 9 hours and now I am feeling remarkably better! Thank the LORD!

Today is a day I have been anticipating for a week! Ugly Sweater Party SHOPPING! Okay, I'll admit, you add "shopping" to the end of anything and I'm in! "Casket shopping".."wheel chair shopping"....its all the same, right?  Anyway, I'm so excited to see what kind of gem I can find this year.   This little one to the right is from a couple of years ago. It may have been from the first Ugly Sweater Party we've thrown, actually. My BFF and went and had 'professional' pictures made at Target. ha! It was awesome. Notice the little bear? How sweat do I look!!! Though, you can't see the little flamingos on my sweater, it still is pretty great.

After the year we've had, this Sweater Party is going to need to be AMAZING!! :)

Christmas, where are you?

Who would've thought I would be excited for Christmas? I am so pumped that I can hardly wait to pull out all the decorations out of the attic and start setting up our tree.

 After the miscarriage, I thought this Christmas would be horrible. Pure terror and despair, really. I am excited that I am going be able to celebrate it AND even better, I am eager for it to get here. This makes me happier the more I think about it. The holidays are big for us and, honestly, after Halloween...its all a blur! We do Thanksgiving big..and Black Friday BIGGER! Shortly after that we have our Annual Ugly Sweater Party...and then its time for Christmas festivities!

This week I went ahead and ordered all of my seasonal favorites from my Scentsy girl. After those get here, it will be hard not to decorate! They always get me in the mood for pumpkin pie and "Santa Baby" blaring!

What is your favorite part about this time of year?

Wedding bells for a friend.

Today I was fortunate to drive out to Cut-N-Shoot, Texas (I LOVE the name of this town!) to see a wonderful friend get married. The Husband worked 16 hours today and had no means of getting off, so I was able to go with a fabulous friend! It was beautiful! 

How could I not smile obnoxiously while Im stitting right by the margarita machine and the self-serve bar? This was the best seat in town, yall!

Can I just say it was all about coordination this evening? As you can tell, N is wearing the wedding colors (unknowingly...or not :) ) and I am wearing purple to match the lady whos backside is photo bombing our picture. Beautiful! It does not get better than that. Actually..the whole sitting next to the margarita machine and self-serve bar made it way better..but at this point, this was as good as it gets!

I love weddings! I love the vows, the people (Sometimes haha), the food, the drinks, the dancing(!!!!!!)..everything. I love getting invited and being a part of someone's special day. I felt so dumb today! I could not find a bag for the gift. Its in a box and its misshaped rectangle. I mean that, as it wont fit in a standard size bag! Dumb! So I had to be that person telling the bride, "I'm going to bring your gift after your honeymoon! I swear I have it and I'm not cheap..but you see the bag was too small...and I went to 3 different stores and couldnt find one big enough..and Im not the wrapping paper kind of girl." Okay, okay..I didn't say all that, though I probably would have. Did I ever write what I said to the US customs guy? Its almost embaressing..if you're not me that is! :) Anyway- so I'll be meeting up with her in a couple of weeks. Ill try to keep The Husband from using the can opener and cutting board until then.

Switching gears, I'm glad to say that midterms are over and I can breath a little..until tomorrow that is. I have so much work to do tomorrow its unreal. I've put it off because The Husband was working and I knew he'd be on patrol for 2 12s and 1 16 this weekend, so I wanted to spend time with him this week while I could. Then there was the wedding and let's face it, normally I would come home and do homework but the older I get...the more I appreciate a good buzz! I love not drinking very much anymore. You know because its good for me and all..and...mostly because when I have 2 beers now I feel good. :)  Really, thats why I like not drinking anymore.

Its really nice to not be talking about TTC BS.... Though I've had EWCM for two days. Weird. More weird that when I told The Husband I had "evidence" of Oing..he said "egg white cervical muscus"...yes, honey..do you have to be so gross? hahah! We're taking the month of and since its his long weekend anyway, I don't see any BD time in our future. That's okay, but part of me does kind of want to throw a huge pity party.

Onwards and upwards, right?

Prayers for Baby A

I'd like to ask for prayers for a friend of mine who had her baby early this morning at 24 weeks. Baby A is fighting and holding on but she could definitely use some prayers! Lord, be with this child!

One of those days..

I've had a complete shit storm of a day!  Its been almost incredible how crappy it was, but I've still been able to keep my head up. It started with something that I'm not ready to discuss that caused me a little guilt and then....

Just something an infertile does not want to hear, "My 15 year old niece is pregnant!" Wow! Good thing it was from my BFF or I may of taken it a little differently.

Maybe I am a little disgruntled and jaded on this whole thing. I look at the love I have for my husband and how much we have prepared our lives to bring a child into this world and a 15 and 17 year old want to play house and..BAM! It happens for them. It stings a lot. I keep telling my BFF that she is 15 and she needs to be asked what her next step is because, after all, she chose to put her big girl panties on and make a big girl decision..so now the real big girl decisions start. Real fun, huh? I was so dumb when I was 15, I can't even imagine becoming a mother too. Is the MTV nation to blame? I don't think so. I think its laziness in parenting. Yeah, yeah- easy for an infertile to say, right? Honestly, its very difficult for me to even fathom.

The Husband and I were discussing what our options are after this. I am a realist when it comes to my health and future down the infertility road. I like to research and understand what is to come, what did happen, and our options as a whole. This is the exact opposite of my normal every day attitude with life. I am usually the complete optimist! I really love to think the best will come out of a situation. I would rather be disappointed once than go through agony waiting to be disappointed. If that even makes any sense. The Husband is a realist with life and a optimist with our infertility. I think it balances us off greatly as a couple. Anyway- we discussed (tonight, actually) what we would do next. He said his 'union' in looking into a gap/supplemental insurance that may pick up some of the IF tab (still unsure) and we both are happy to see where that goes. I started our conversation out by saying, "Did you realize there are a lot of people in your department that have adopted lately?" He agreed with me. I go on to say, "Its because our insurance SUCKS! What they do cover, we have to fight. We are not as far along in our journey as a lot of people, but we're still getting the shaft." He totally understood. I explained that I feel like we're going to hit that fork in the road. IVF or adoption. I don't want to get to this fork, I'd rather it be a spoon or a knife..or a melon baller or something (hows that for a corny joke? :)  ). I see it as we're headed 'home' and we come to a fork in the road. To the left, you're going through the roughest terrain possible. It's all downhill and your brakes went out. On the right, its level ground with asphalt. There are a few speed bumps and maybe a wrong turn or two, but you still have your brakes. I've told him this analogy before but he never seemed to get it. Today he got it better than ever.

If there is one thing we've disagreed on in this whole process, it would be what to do NEXT. Obviously my egg quality may be at risk and I pray every day that the recent m/c was a fluke..but lets get real. What if it wasn't? What next? I want to be prepared so my heart can be at least right behind my head in processing what is happening. It's tough to go through this and as the time lapses...more people are getting pregannt and more people are having babies...and more people are asking when you are going to start a family..and you're getting older...and...the list goes on and on. 

Tomorrow I'm going to a girlfriend's wedding and I can't wait. Surprisingly enough, she has PCOS too and will be TTC after her wedding. I pray her path isn't as jaded as our's has been! Tomorrow will be a good day and I'll wake up refreshed and happy with the world again (until someone screws it up!)...but today..today I'm allowing myself to be a little bitter and a little sad. Today is a "Why not me?" kind of a day. I hate days like this and the only solace is I am choosing to make tomorrow better.

I hope tomorrow is better for you too.

Statistician's Blues--

Im still around! I have been so preoccupied with school and getting my life back from disarray that I have neglected this. I guess for good reason, huh. I am still waiting out my cycle and am 80% sure that I Od after the miscarriage. Weird. I got a positive OPK and O pains. We did not want to try this month. Next month I hope I get the same result and we will try on our own.

Using the 80% statistic reminds me so much of this song.  I love it!!

As far as the rest of life, more of that wonderful word I HATE to use on this blog but for some reason I am always using it...WAITING...

Waiting for blood work this week and then waiting for the results. Then waiting some more for AF and then waiting to see what happens after that. Good thing Halloween is coming up and school is pretty rough right now. THOUGH, I did just finish one of my classes so I am now down to 3. That is easier to handle, obviously.

So here goes more of the waiting...At least I have some fun things coming up to keep my mind off of it. 

 

1 week post cytotec

Technically last Thursday and Saturday would have been one week since my 1st and 2nd dose of Cytotec. Can I just say how much better I am doing? Physically, all the bleeding and cramping has stopped as of 2-3 days ago. It really wasn't all that bad after the actual miscarriage, but it was annoying. I'm not a 'pad' kind of girl so it was definitely more annoying for me. I am getting some ovary pain, but I'm sure my body is just trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

I did get a call today from my doctor's office. Actually 2. The first one was to tell me that pathology had gotten back to them and there was zero "products of conception" in the tissue I had brought in. Without getting TMI, it was almost distiguishable. At least to me and my doctor. I took my time looking at it prior to putting it away to take to the doctor. She had advized me to put it in a baggy and put it in the fridge until I could get an appointment on that Monday or Tuesday. I passed it on Saturday, so it was refrigerated for a while. I'm not sure if that had anything to do with the pathology report. I have also read (damn you, Google!) that other ladies with the similar situation had the same reports back from the lab. I'm a little irritated but what can I do? Not too much! The 2nd call was a lot more anticlimactic. They called to tell me my crappy insurance was denying a claim until we called them. Okay....so I call....and the lady says there was a hold because of some paperwork (no idea what it was and could not tell me) needed to be filed first and it was on the 5th and my doctor will be paid shortly. Holy crap. Why do I need to always be involved in their business?  I understand being my own advocate, seriously I hate it when people aren't but this is just frustrating! So I had to call my doctor back and explain they're a little incompotent there and they said it should be covered. I guess we'll see. My bet is I will get a bill in a week. That's their normal deal.

Now I'm back to the waiting game.Waiting for AF. Who would've thought I would be excited for her to show her ugly face? I am ready to get my first AF over with and then start planning our next step. Our next attempt will be around the holidays. ..Jingle Bells, yall! :)

A thing not to say to an infertile

I got a text from a 'friend' today.

"Did you hear _____ is pregnant?"



Really?

Of course I answered....snotty.

Yes, I was that emotional, irate, snotty infertile lady.

I told her, " I've been struggling with infertility for 3 years and just suffered a miscarriage. I am trying to ignore things like this."

I know she doesn't know about our struggles, but I am so done with people. She sent me the text to be nosey and intrigue me.

Not amused.

Sing songs about Texas- A little reminiscing

I've really had a great past couple of days. It seems the stars have aligned and allowed me to cope with what has happened and what is to come. I still hurt, but I hurt a lot less. I was sitting in traffic this evening on my way home from work and our wedding song came on. It's "Crazy" by Pat Green. Pat Green has paid a big role in our relationship. It was the first thing The Husband and I had in common and we try to see him whenever he comes into town. This song just means so much to us. It's us. 




There are so many one-liners that I live my life by.


"Sometimes I sleep with all the lights on. It helps me to appreciate the night."

"Oh my God, I'm glad that I'm alive!"

"Don't you think life would be awful boring, if the good times were all that we had?"

This summer we had a rare and AMAZING opportunity to see him at a convention my sister was apart of. She invited us and we jumped on it! We were literally a foot from him. I've seen him dozens of times, but not in a long time..and definitely not in such an intimate setting. There were probably 100 people there, tops. It was absolutely amazing. In fact, prior to him playing, Radney Foster played and I was so excited! I had no idea he was going to be there and I hadn't seen him in YEARS. He is amazing live, as well. After that, they handed out guitars that were signed. My sister told me they did this, but I really wasn't sure how it worked. There were 12 tables and on each table there was a guitar. They also handed out guitars to special guests and...fancy that..my sister was a special guest! Everyone's seat was numbered and when I sat down I sat in seat 11 because we got married on 7/11 and 7 and 11 are my lucky numbers. I didn't have anyone sitting in 10 and then there was a lady that was in 8 but sitting in 9 too. I told her, "You get 2, I get 2!" They called out the number 10!! I scooted my happy little butt over and I won! The Husband handed me the guitar and I was in total disbelief. It was amazing. I had never won something like that before..and of all places, and of all circumstances. Crazy! (no pun intended :) ) I ran through the Hyatt taking that thing to my room and just stared for a long time.



So this evening when I heard our song, a ton of emotions rushed over me. I became flushed and started to tear up. Our life is good. It is great. Like The Husband said in the beginning, this is not a road block, it is a hurdle. We are okay and we will be okay. AND, it is okay to not be okay sometimes. We do fun things and we have a ridiculously fun time with each other. We could have it so worse and I am learning to appreciate what exactly we have, physically and in each other. I read too many blogs and read too many reviews on junk and there are definitely some horror stories on how IF effects marriages. Being that The Husband is law enforcement already, there is a stigma on their relationship patterns. I am not going to be another statistic. We try very hard to be where we are at and we will continue to work hard at it.


I think with IF, period, it strains every aspect of your life. That's why it is important to GET OUT, DO THINGS, and HAVE FUN! Without any of this, you are bound to lose your mind!

While I was reminiscing about our wonderful summer, I started to make a list of things we have done this summer, amidst our IF journey.

1. Cruise to Jamaica/Grand Cayman/Cozumel in May

2. Pat Green!

3. River Trip with our BFFs!

4. Tons off friends and family time

5. Tons of time TOGETHER.

I could not have asked for a better summer with better people. And for that I am eternally grateful! 

If you're going through IF, take time for yourself and your partner. Take time to ENJOY being a couple and being with each other. That is the most important thing. It makes the hard times a little less hard. It brings you together and gets you closer than you ever though imaginable. I thought The Husband and I were as close as possible, but IF has opened up a whole new world for the both of us. 

No more school blues!

It's as if I woke up and decided that I AM going to pass this semester and I AM going to be on the President's List again. I had an issue with a group assignment that I had missed out on and was concerned with my placement in the group, as they are getting near the end. I contacted my professor, who's reviews on RateMyProfessors was all but kind, to see if there was anything else I could do. It took him over a day to respond, which felt like an eternity, and he suggested some options and offered is condolences. I was floored. I have never had to 'grovel' to anyone before and I felt like I was having to. My email was very professional, to the point, and I accepted any consequence that there may be for my absence from the group. So now, I am offering up an addendum to the paper that the group had wrote. This is absolutely and completely fair and I am so glad to have the opportunity to do so! So there goes my whole weekend, but I am glad to give it up, considering.

In other news..Another friend has informed me she is TTC. Is it sad that every time someone tells me they are TTC, I think, "I bet they'll get pregnant before me." Those horrible things IF puts in your head! I hate it. I used to not be so dang negative. I'm actually very happy for her and her soon to be husband. I hope they have no problems and this time next year, she is holding her joy! Tons of...

In the most important news, no I am not talking about the debate....I'm talking about how I have plans to find some marshmallow froyo this weekend and I am too ridiculously excited!!! Word on the street is they're serving some at a few places. Is it weird if I call them all and ask if they have it? Oh well..it may be too late for that! :)

Here's to a great rest of the week. We made it to Wednesday, only two more days!

ow!

I really did not anticipate the pain a few days after to be this painful. I am pretty sure I expelled all of the tissue, but this pain is making me thinking possibly I did not. I didn't want to take any more prescribed pain killers than I absolutely needed but tonight...Definitely had to! I really wish I would've taken tomorrow off of work too so I could recoup just a little bit more and be at 100%.

Tomorrow back at work is going to be pretty rough. I am so weird. I don't mind the questions so much as I hate to answer. It's hard not to get choked up and teary eyed when you talk about the big MC...especially when you're still experiencing severe pain from the effects.

So here is to this week! First day of October! I am so excited, I want to go buy a pumpkin but I am waiting two more weeks. This weekend I made and baked a bunch of goodies! I painted and decoupaged  pumpkins that turned out super cute. I made pumpkin muffins and chocolate chip and heath bar cookies. Fun stuff! What is your favorite fall treat? Mine is definitely this one...

Foster care?

The Husband and I have been having some serious talks about what we should do next. We are definitely going to try to have our own natural family (soon) but what if that isn't in our cards? I've never wanted anything more and it kills me to even think that this may not be the direction we are supposed to be headed. I keep coming back to the foster care process chart. It lays everything out for you and what you should do.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself but this may be our next option. We have always wanted to adopt and foster, but obviously are not financially able to adopt privately. However, we are financially able to provide for a child. 

I think we have decided that after we buy a house, this is something we are going to pursue.

School blues.

On top of it all, I felt like I was doing the great the past couple of days. I thought that I had been true to all of my commitments and that I would have no problems. Obviously that is not true. So here I am, hoping that they will throw me a bone and understand my situation. I didn't want to have to explain my situation to anyone. I am not embarrassed, per say, but I feel like this situation is so intimate to me and The Husband. Its something that we don't want to use as an 'excuse'..but I had to share it with my group. I didn't want them to think I am that careless and incompetent that I had just hoped to pull a grade from their group.

Obviously these past two weeks have been HELL on us on a personal level but I just realized how much it has played out in my academic life, as well. We are supposed to be doing a cooperative paper over Du Bois and Washington with 4-5 other classmates. I had not participated whatsoever and did not realize this. I had looked at it right as we were got "the news." Obviously that has had us shook up for the past two weeks and I have neglected all of my responsibilities. I have pleaded with my group and hopefully I can construct the paper and at least pull a little bit of a grade from this whole thing. I'm absolutely annoyed with myself and feel like such a dumbass for having to grovel to the group leader to allow me to do SOMETHING to pull a grade. Im sure its too late and I need to kick some serious ass to barely pass this course.

2nd dose of cytotec

I got a call from a nurse at my doctor's office today to ask how I was doing and what my process was like. After talking to me for a bit, she put me on hold and talked to my doctor. They decided to put me on a 2nd dose of the cytotec. I am glad that I know what to expect but very apprehensive to experience that 430am nightmare again. Thankfully The Husbad is still off work and is able to be with me.  So in about 1.5 hours, I will begin my 2nd process with cytotec. Crazy enough, even though this really sucks and I hate every minute, I'm so glad I have this option as opposed to going straight for surgery. A lot of girls don't have that luxury and for that I'm grateful.

The insult to injury is...I'm getting a dang head cold!! Of course I am! What dang luck I have.

I'm so happy I was able to document this so I can look back if I had to do this again. Well here I am and I'm sure it will help out tons! Hope it helps others out, as well. Here it goes....
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1145p- game time! Thankfully it wasn't as emotionally straining this time. I was prepared and ready as much as I can be.

140a- gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee! I hydrated a lot prior and it's ready to evacuate. I went to the bathroom and half of a pill came out. It was mostly dissolved and really wasn't even a half. I hope that my body got as much as it needs and I begin to cramp around 230 like last time.

230a- last time, I was able to take a nap. Not tonight! Bummer! I'm sitting/laying here watching crappy old late night tv. And here come the annoying cramps! Let this be the last time I have to take this! I was begging for the cramps to come on. Dumb, I know. But the sooner they start, the sooner it's over!

410a- on Wednesday night, (Thursday morning, rather) by this time I was about ready to throw in the towel. This time, very different. My cramps have been very minimal. Blood has been minimal. I have been experiencing horrible gas pains though. I mean HORRIBLE! Like if someone poked me with a pin, I would probably explode! I decided that maybe if I went to sit on the toliet, gravity could do its job and expell the gas. I was sort of right. I coughed a few times since I'm not feeling well. I was sick of sitting there after 15 minutes or so and I wiped......... I had expelled tissue! I had never been so thrilled. I was starting to think I wouldn't be able to do it. I saved it and came to lay back in bed. I haven't experienced a lot of bleeding like I had read a lot of ladies had experienced. Now let's see if I can finally get some sleep!


515a- still not able to sleep but I think it's mostly the adrenaline running me right now. In retrospect, I did have a "gush" at around 730p. I was walking around blockbuster getting a movie to watch while I'm recouping tomorrow and I felt like a bunch of something came out. I was only wearing a liner because I didn't have any pads besides overnights (target was also on the errand run this evening). So I kind of just thought maybe I didn't have enough coverage. I guess not! I guess that is why my cramps were very minimal.

This goes to show how everyone's experience with cytotec is definitely different. I don't want to say I had a "good miscarriage" because that sounds absolutely wrong. My heart breaks. My heart was ripped in half early this morning but, I am so thankful that my experience was as trouble-free as possible. I had trepidations about this process. I am very glad I decided to do this at home. I feel like now...I can cope and move on.

Starting my Cytotec (Misoprostol) experiece tonight

I have been avoiding my house like the plague! I had it in my head that if I came home, I would HAVE to start this junk. Well, I'm trying to hold it off as much as possible. I'm hoping this takes effect early on me and I don't have to endure the nightmares my mind is conjuring. Just a typical disclosure- this is my experience and not of anyone with a medical background. Please take it just as that. I will try to update through the process to give others hope....or engage more fear (oh goodness, I sure hope not!) Here goes nothing.. :(

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1130p- Pills inserted, vicodin taken, bed 'made'...hoping to get a little sleep before this all begins.

230a- well I managed to sleep 2 hours and am now in some pretty annoying pain. I can't keep still and Im hoping this means I'm responding. I was almost in tears but didn't want to wake The Husband just yet.

430a- after dozing off for an hour or so, I woke up with the worst pain I've ever had. Tolerable, but so very intense. The process had started between 230 and 430. I went to the bathroom and there were tons of large clots. This was the only time I had felt any sort of nausea and was VERY faint. I woke up after a couple of minutes and was laying on my bathroom floor. That was pretty scary. I stumbled into bed, woke up The Husband and he filled my hot water bottle. I curled up with that and a heating pad and was finally able to fall asleep until 7am. He was very concerned at this point  He said I was dripping with sweat and couldn't stop shaking. This was the only time I have experienced any sort of serious discomfort.. This was by far the worse time. But it was short lived. Turning the a/c down helped immensely.

7a- The Husband was alarmed because the last time I was awake I looked horrible. I woke up in good spirits and ready to take my past due Vicodin and eat a little breakfast.

850a- I got up and moved around in hopes to keep the process going. The Vicodin finally kicked in, but it barely touches the pain but does make me incredibly sleepy. The pain has increased a little and the heating pad and hot water bottle are my best friends!

1130a- the Vicodin is knocking me out. The pain is still there (6/10) but the RX is making me very fatigued. So I keep falling asleep. Bleeding has not picked up as of yet.

140p- took my 3rd Vicodin and am about to fall asleep. I've been getting up as standing and walking as much as possible. The pain is intense but tolerable. It comes and goes so the high intensity does kill you but it does wear you out pretty quickly. I have been able to eat and drink just fine. I was concerned that nausea would take over, but since the bout this morning, I've been just fine.

Pretty much from 140p on I slept, ate, and slept some more. We watched the Hatfield's and McCoy's and just took it easy until we NEEDED blizzards.

As of 940p- I am feeling pretty darn great. Knock on wood.



If I were to have any tips they would be these:

1. Make sure someone is home with you. Go over what you expect and let them know a clear understanding of what to do in an emergency or what you're going to need if you are unable to explain it. The Husband was an amazing help. We discussed everything right before, so he would be prepped as well. I gave him worse case scenarios. I wrote my doctor's information down and had my ID and insurance card handy. I had all my drinks in the fridge cold ( I hate warm drinks) and had any snacks ready on the counter. Changes of clothes were on the bathroom counter and the trashcans had multiple liners in them to make it easier on him.

2. PREP. Kind of an extension from above. Be prepared for the worse and hope for the best. I had tons of gatorade and snacking food just in case I was unable to eat a meal. This made it easy for The Husband to get me something quickly. Set up your bathrooms in the easiest way for you. I had tons of liners in each trashcan so The Husband could change it. I had the hamper for soiled clothes (luckily did not need this) set up so he could take it to the laundry asap as well.

3. Use puppy pads to protect furniture and your bed. We had some left over puppy pads from whenever Ruby had her puppies. They're IDENTICAL to the pads you see at your OB/GYN or hospital. I put them under and on top of my sheets and on my couch. Again, luckily did not need them, but I can see where they would've come in handy if I was unable to make it to the bathroom in time.

4. Hydrate! Drink that water prior and during. Make sure you pee before laying down to insert the medicine so you will not need to get up for a couple of hours.

5. Find some good movies! Use netflix, hulu, or blockbuster..whatever! It was nice to have something funny to watch while I was rocking back in forth in pain.

6. Relax as much as possible. As much as this situation sucks, you have 0 control over it. I had to finally give in and figure that out. I have no control over this. The blighted ovum wasn't my fault and either I am able to do this at home or I get booked for a d&c. This was the only choice I had in the process. I'm glad I was able to have these last few moments pregnant at home..with The Husband by my side..not my doctor.

As incredibly difficult this was emotionally, I was expecting the physical to be so much worse than it was. Though I'm not sure if I passed what I needed to or not, I am just glad I survived this..and God forbid I ever need to do it again, I know exactly what to expect. It was pretty empowering and almost relaxing to be able to do it at home.

I cannot say this enough. My husband was made for me and I was made for him. He was an absolute Godsend and has taken care of me every step of the way. He has brought me drinks, rubbed my back, fixed my bed, gotten me food, etc all day long. I know its what he 'should' do, but its great to know its what he wanted to do.

Thankful.

I think its time to make a list of things Im grateful and thankful for. I'm sure I'll  do this all over again in November for Thanksgiving. I'm just having one of those "I'm having the worst day-week-month-year of my life and everyone else is having a GREAT time, having babies, buying houses, going on vacations...everything that I wish I was doing" kind of days. The Husband pointed out to me that I need to examine my bitterness because people just do not know how to take me. Maybe that's why I've been staying to myself as much as possible? Regardless, after this done (fingers crossed that I'm done by Friday).





Things I am thankful for:


1. My amazing Husband. Without this guy I would be nothing but existing. With him, I am living.


2. My super Mom! 'nuff said!


3. My very best friend forever and ever, Kim. We have known each other since we were in 6th grade and have be pretty much inseparable since.


4. I'm glad that through all of this BS, I still have a little humor. 


5. That my basic 3 are covered. I live in a nice house, I  am never hungry, and I drink tons of 
water.


6. Modern medicine and its ability to have gotten me this far.


7. The fact that I even got this far.

8. I have a wonderful family and support system. I'm so thankful for all of them for listening endlessly, especiall my Clomid Buddy!


9. I have a ton of FAITH.


10. This was almost number 1...I have 3 off the greatest dogs ever that never get tired of me even if I'm a mess.

 

I know we will get through this and in retrospect this will be just one speck of  our amazing lives. But, right now....every second is an eternity and I will get past that.

 

Shannon Stewart is back.

I decided that since tomorrow will probably SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK (Louise, I bet you can imagine me saying that one) that I was going to be crafty all day. Besides staying up until 445a studying and then taking a midterm the previous night/morning and waking up at 1100a, I was super productive! I don't know why I didn't stay up for 15 more minutes to see The Husband off, now that I think of it. Anyway, I went to Micheal's and grabbed a ridiculous amount of stuff to make some cute things!

My domestic duties were on high today. House was cleaned, floors swept, mopped, vacuumed, shampooed. Dinner (a roast) in the crock pot and I made apple pie in apples for dessert. Delish! I had seen a couple of things on pinterest I had wanted to try. Mostly this little guy! He is so ridiculously cute and I plan on putting candy corn in it. I made it out of a clay pot and saucers and the rest is pretty much obvious. Lots of paint and some wooden spools. Ta-da! On the inside of the saucer (didn't take a picture unfortunately) I painted "BOO!" Super cute!

 This was kind of a spur of the moment thing. I needed some new modge podge and I was walking through the wooden letters anyway.  I was getting the foilage that went along with the orange bats for another project and the stickers were 40% off....its like it was meant to be, right? This looks WAY cuter than what my stinking little iphone camera can do. I really love it and can't wait for people to come over to see it!

Oh this picture is HORRIBLE but its actually The Husband's favorite new thing I've made. It was just a cardboard hat that I made a band out of the same green paper used in the BOO and a little ribbon. I made a faux boa out of the purple feathers and attached an orange bat. He thinks this is the greatest thing for some reason. Maybe because he thinks he can wear it?












Making all this Halloween decor is getting me too excited for Halloween. I was really excited for it for other reasons 2 weeks ago, but right now Im just excited to be able to have a little fun and get silly. I have a feeling that I'll be 'crafting' once again now that I'll have some free time as opposed to being obsessed with TTC for the next month or so. Or...maybe I'll concentrate more on school. Yeah right, Martha---Shannon Stewart is back!

Sometimes I'm ridiculous.

My HCG came in on Friday from my Thursday AM draw. Of course it is going down and the inevitable...is inevitable. I'm more okay with it, for the most part. I'm kind of glad it is dropping, now that we know this pregnancy is not viable. I am ready to get this horror show over! Anyway, the lab called me at 415p, 418p, 422p, 426 p, and 435pm. Twice the physician over the lab called and the other times it was the nurse. I got the first call while I was out and about and then did some nanny duties and realized my phone was blowing up. The messages are SO SAD. I feel BAD for the people who had to call me with their concern for me. I have been going to this lab for over a year during this whole ordeal. I finally get pregnant and its not viable. I have had the same nurse for every one of my draws and she and I feel like we have begun this journey together. Her messages got increasingly more sad with everyone she left. The physician, whom I did not know he even looked at my charts, explained the need and urgency to talk to my OB/GYN immediately and that he will go over the rough numbers with me if I need to and he even gave me an after hours number to call. No doubt that he did this because of Nurse Diana probably preempted him to call.

This is where I am ridiculous. This made me cry. Not the content of the messages...I've already come to accept what I cannot change. What made me sad was the fact that they had to be the bearers of bad news right before they went home on Friday. They had enough concern for me, that they called 5 times in 20 minutes to talk to me. I understand they are in the medical profession and this stuff does not get to them like it would me, but it still touched my heart. I won't lie, I did avoid the last call because after hearing the first message, I could not take actually talking to them. If it Was Nurse Diana, she already sounded jilted and if it was the doctor, I wasn't ready to hear some news that I already know and will be knowing more about on Monday.

Though I am okay (as I can be) with this, I am still taking The Husband with me on Monday. I tend to get choked up easily and my ADD mind goes haywire when I need to concentrate on what is at hand. He and I are discussing questions so that he won't forget and we will get answers to.

Some of which are..
1. Is there any testing available to see if this will be a perpetual thing? (I know they usually test after 3, but it never hurts to ask.
2. Does this happen more to women with PCOS?
3. What should I expect if I try to do this naturally?
4. Can I be prescribed anything to speed up the process? For pain? Muscle relaxer?

And the most important thing

5. When can we start trying for our miracle again?


I've been trying to catch the silver lining in all of this. I am trying to be thankful for the little things. While TTC, I always gauged my cycle by if I ovulated or not that month. If I O'd, I was just glad my body cooperated enough. If I didn't, I was just glad I am physically and financially able to be TTC right now. Lord knows there are some women that are not so lucky and my heart goes out to them.  So with this, I am extremely and eternally grateful that we had made it this far. This is as far as we have ever made it and now we have a goal to pass up the next time. Also, I am now going to be able to get a U/S sooner to see if there is a problem earlier on. These are things I am grateful for.

Is there any other questions I should ask my doctor?