One of those days..

I've had a complete shit storm of a day!  Its been almost incredible how crappy it was, but I've still been able to keep my head up. It started with something that I'm not ready to discuss that caused me a little guilt and then....

Just something an infertile does not want to hear, "My 15 year old niece is pregnant!" Wow! Good thing it was from my BFF or I may of taken it a little differently.

Maybe I am a little disgruntled and jaded on this whole thing. I look at the love I have for my husband and how much we have prepared our lives to bring a child into this world and a 15 and 17 year old want to play house and..BAM! It happens for them. It stings a lot. I keep telling my BFF that she is 15 and she needs to be asked what her next step is because, after all, she chose to put her big girl panties on and make a big girl decision..so now the real big girl decisions start. Real fun, huh? I was so dumb when I was 15, I can't even imagine becoming a mother too. Is the MTV nation to blame? I don't think so. I think its laziness in parenting. Yeah, yeah- easy for an infertile to say, right? Honestly, its very difficult for me to even fathom.

The Husband and I were discussing what our options are after this. I am a realist when it comes to my health and future down the infertility road. I like to research and understand what is to come, what did happen, and our options as a whole. This is the exact opposite of my normal every day attitude with life. I am usually the complete optimist! I really love to think the best will come out of a situation. I would rather be disappointed once than go through agony waiting to be disappointed. If that even makes any sense. The Husband is a realist with life and a optimist with our infertility. I think it balances us off greatly as a couple. Anyway- we discussed (tonight, actually) what we would do next. He said his 'union' in looking into a gap/supplemental insurance that may pick up some of the IF tab (still unsure) and we both are happy to see where that goes. I started our conversation out by saying, "Did you realize there are a lot of people in your department that have adopted lately?" He agreed with me. I go on to say, "Its because our insurance SUCKS! What they do cover, we have to fight. We are not as far along in our journey as a lot of people, but we're still getting the shaft." He totally understood. I explained that I feel like we're going to hit that fork in the road. IVF or adoption. I don't want to get to this fork, I'd rather it be a spoon or a knife..or a melon baller or something (hows that for a corny joke? :)  ). I see it as we're headed 'home' and we come to a fork in the road. To the left, you're going through the roughest terrain possible. It's all downhill and your brakes went out. On the right, its level ground with asphalt. There are a few speed bumps and maybe a wrong turn or two, but you still have your brakes. I've told him this analogy before but he never seemed to get it. Today he got it better than ever.

If there is one thing we've disagreed on in this whole process, it would be what to do NEXT. Obviously my egg quality may be at risk and I pray every day that the recent m/c was a fluke..but lets get real. What if it wasn't? What next? I want to be prepared so my heart can be at least right behind my head in processing what is happening. It's tough to go through this and as the time lapses...more people are getting pregannt and more people are having babies...and more people are asking when you are going to start a family..and you're getting older...and...the list goes on and on. 

Tomorrow I'm going to a girlfriend's wedding and I can't wait. Surprisingly enough, she has PCOS too and will be TTC after her wedding. I pray her path isn't as jaded as our's has been! Tomorrow will be a good day and I'll wake up refreshed and happy with the world again (until someone screws it up!)...but today..today I'm allowing myself to be a little bitter and a little sad. Today is a "Why not me?" kind of a day. I hate days like this and the only solace is I am choosing to make tomorrow better.

I hope tomorrow is better for you too.