Foster care?

The Husband and I have been having some serious talks about what we should do next. We are definitely going to try to have our own natural family (soon) but what if that isn't in our cards? I've never wanted anything more and it kills me to even think that this may not be the direction we are supposed to be headed. I keep coming back to the foster care process chart. It lays everything out for you and what you should do.

I'm trying not to get ahead of myself but this may be our next option. We have always wanted to adopt and foster, but obviously are not financially able to adopt privately. However, we are financially able to provide for a child. 

I think we have decided that after we buy a house, this is something we are going to pursue.

School blues.

On top of it all, I felt like I was doing the great the past couple of days. I thought that I had been true to all of my commitments and that I would have no problems. Obviously that is not true. So here I am, hoping that they will throw me a bone and understand my situation. I didn't want to have to explain my situation to anyone. I am not embarrassed, per say, but I feel like this situation is so intimate to me and The Husband. Its something that we don't want to use as an 'excuse'..but I had to share it with my group. I didn't want them to think I am that careless and incompetent that I had just hoped to pull a grade from their group.

Obviously these past two weeks have been HELL on us on a personal level but I just realized how much it has played out in my academic life, as well. We are supposed to be doing a cooperative paper over Du Bois and Washington with 4-5 other classmates. I had not participated whatsoever and did not realize this. I had looked at it right as we were got "the news." Obviously that has had us shook up for the past two weeks and I have neglected all of my responsibilities. I have pleaded with my group and hopefully I can construct the paper and at least pull a little bit of a grade from this whole thing. I'm absolutely annoyed with myself and feel like such a dumbass for having to grovel to the group leader to allow me to do SOMETHING to pull a grade. Im sure its too late and I need to kick some serious ass to barely pass this course.

2nd dose of cytotec

I got a call from a nurse at my doctor's office today to ask how I was doing and what my process was like. After talking to me for a bit, she put me on hold and talked to my doctor. They decided to put me on a 2nd dose of the cytotec. I am glad that I know what to expect but very apprehensive to experience that 430am nightmare again. Thankfully The Husbad is still off work and is able to be with me.  So in about 1.5 hours, I will begin my 2nd process with cytotec. Crazy enough, even though this really sucks and I hate every minute, I'm so glad I have this option as opposed to going straight for surgery. A lot of girls don't have that luxury and for that I'm grateful.

The insult to injury is...I'm getting a dang head cold!! Of course I am! What dang luck I have.

I'm so happy I was able to document this so I can look back if I had to do this again. Well here I am and I'm sure it will help out tons! Hope it helps others out, as well. Here it goes....
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1145p- game time! Thankfully it wasn't as emotionally straining this time. I was prepared and ready as much as I can be.

140a- gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee! I hydrated a lot prior and it's ready to evacuate. I went to the bathroom and half of a pill came out. It was mostly dissolved and really wasn't even a half. I hope that my body got as much as it needs and I begin to cramp around 230 like last time.

230a- last time, I was able to take a nap. Not tonight! Bummer! I'm sitting/laying here watching crappy old late night tv. And here come the annoying cramps! Let this be the last time I have to take this! I was begging for the cramps to come on. Dumb, I know. But the sooner they start, the sooner it's over!

410a- on Wednesday night, (Thursday morning, rather) by this time I was about ready to throw in the towel. This time, very different. My cramps have been very minimal. Blood has been minimal. I have been experiencing horrible gas pains though. I mean HORRIBLE! Like if someone poked me with a pin, I would probably explode! I decided that maybe if I went to sit on the toliet, gravity could do its job and expell the gas. I was sort of right. I coughed a few times since I'm not feeling well. I was sick of sitting there after 15 minutes or so and I wiped......... I had expelled tissue! I had never been so thrilled. I was starting to think I wouldn't be able to do it. I saved it and came to lay back in bed. I haven't experienced a lot of bleeding like I had read a lot of ladies had experienced. Now let's see if I can finally get some sleep!


515a- still not able to sleep but I think it's mostly the adrenaline running me right now. In retrospect, I did have a "gush" at around 730p. I was walking around blockbuster getting a movie to watch while I'm recouping tomorrow and I felt like a bunch of something came out. I was only wearing a liner because I didn't have any pads besides overnights (target was also on the errand run this evening). So I kind of just thought maybe I didn't have enough coverage. I guess not! I guess that is why my cramps were very minimal.

This goes to show how everyone's experience with cytotec is definitely different. I don't want to say I had a "good miscarriage" because that sounds absolutely wrong. My heart breaks. My heart was ripped in half early this morning but, I am so thankful that my experience was as trouble-free as possible. I had trepidations about this process. I am very glad I decided to do this at home. I feel like now...I can cope and move on.

Starting my Cytotec (Misoprostol) experiece tonight

I have been avoiding my house like the plague! I had it in my head that if I came home, I would HAVE to start this junk. Well, I'm trying to hold it off as much as possible. I'm hoping this takes effect early on me and I don't have to endure the nightmares my mind is conjuring. Just a typical disclosure- this is my experience and not of anyone with a medical background. Please take it just as that. I will try to update through the process to give others hope....or engage more fear (oh goodness, I sure hope not!) Here goes nothing.. :(

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1130p- Pills inserted, vicodin taken, bed 'made'...hoping to get a little sleep before this all begins.

230a- well I managed to sleep 2 hours and am now in some pretty annoying pain. I can't keep still and Im hoping this means I'm responding. I was almost in tears but didn't want to wake The Husband just yet.

430a- after dozing off for an hour or so, I woke up with the worst pain I've ever had. Tolerable, but so very intense. The process had started between 230 and 430. I went to the bathroom and there were tons of large clots. This was the only time I had felt any sort of nausea and was VERY faint. I woke up after a couple of minutes and was laying on my bathroom floor. That was pretty scary. I stumbled into bed, woke up The Husband and he filled my hot water bottle. I curled up with that and a heating pad and was finally able to fall asleep until 7am. He was very concerned at this point  He said I was dripping with sweat and couldn't stop shaking. This was the only time I have experienced any sort of serious discomfort.. This was by far the worse time. But it was short lived. Turning the a/c down helped immensely.

7a- The Husband was alarmed because the last time I was awake I looked horrible. I woke up in good spirits and ready to take my past due Vicodin and eat a little breakfast.

850a- I got up and moved around in hopes to keep the process going. The Vicodin finally kicked in, but it barely touches the pain but does make me incredibly sleepy. The pain has increased a little and the heating pad and hot water bottle are my best friends!

1130a- the Vicodin is knocking me out. The pain is still there (6/10) but the RX is making me very fatigued. So I keep falling asleep. Bleeding has not picked up as of yet.

140p- took my 3rd Vicodin and am about to fall asleep. I've been getting up as standing and walking as much as possible. The pain is intense but tolerable. It comes and goes so the high intensity does kill you but it does wear you out pretty quickly. I have been able to eat and drink just fine. I was concerned that nausea would take over, but since the bout this morning, I've been just fine.

Pretty much from 140p on I slept, ate, and slept some more. We watched the Hatfield's and McCoy's and just took it easy until we NEEDED blizzards.

As of 940p- I am feeling pretty darn great. Knock on wood.



If I were to have any tips they would be these:

1. Make sure someone is home with you. Go over what you expect and let them know a clear understanding of what to do in an emergency or what you're going to need if you are unable to explain it. The Husband was an amazing help. We discussed everything right before, so he would be prepped as well. I gave him worse case scenarios. I wrote my doctor's information down and had my ID and insurance card handy. I had all my drinks in the fridge cold ( I hate warm drinks) and had any snacks ready on the counter. Changes of clothes were on the bathroom counter and the trashcans had multiple liners in them to make it easier on him.

2. PREP. Kind of an extension from above. Be prepared for the worse and hope for the best. I had tons of gatorade and snacking food just in case I was unable to eat a meal. This made it easy for The Husband to get me something quickly. Set up your bathrooms in the easiest way for you. I had tons of liners in each trashcan so The Husband could change it. I had the hamper for soiled clothes (luckily did not need this) set up so he could take it to the laundry asap as well.

3. Use puppy pads to protect furniture and your bed. We had some left over puppy pads from whenever Ruby had her puppies. They're IDENTICAL to the pads you see at your OB/GYN or hospital. I put them under and on top of my sheets and on my couch. Again, luckily did not need them, but I can see where they would've come in handy if I was unable to make it to the bathroom in time.

4. Hydrate! Drink that water prior and during. Make sure you pee before laying down to insert the medicine so you will not need to get up for a couple of hours.

5. Find some good movies! Use netflix, hulu, or blockbuster..whatever! It was nice to have something funny to watch while I was rocking back in forth in pain.

6. Relax as much as possible. As much as this situation sucks, you have 0 control over it. I had to finally give in and figure that out. I have no control over this. The blighted ovum wasn't my fault and either I am able to do this at home or I get booked for a d&c. This was the only choice I had in the process. I'm glad I was able to have these last few moments pregnant at home..with The Husband by my side..not my doctor.

As incredibly difficult this was emotionally, I was expecting the physical to be so much worse than it was. Though I'm not sure if I passed what I needed to or not, I am just glad I survived this..and God forbid I ever need to do it again, I know exactly what to expect. It was pretty empowering and almost relaxing to be able to do it at home.

I cannot say this enough. My husband was made for me and I was made for him. He was an absolute Godsend and has taken care of me every step of the way. He has brought me drinks, rubbed my back, fixed my bed, gotten me food, etc all day long. I know its what he 'should' do, but its great to know its what he wanted to do.

Thankful.

I think its time to make a list of things Im grateful and thankful for. I'm sure I'll  do this all over again in November for Thanksgiving. I'm just having one of those "I'm having the worst day-week-month-year of my life and everyone else is having a GREAT time, having babies, buying houses, going on vacations...everything that I wish I was doing" kind of days. The Husband pointed out to me that I need to examine my bitterness because people just do not know how to take me. Maybe that's why I've been staying to myself as much as possible? Regardless, after this done (fingers crossed that I'm done by Friday).





Things I am thankful for:


1. My amazing Husband. Without this guy I would be nothing but existing. With him, I am living.


2. My super Mom! 'nuff said!


3. My very best friend forever and ever, Kim. We have known each other since we were in 6th grade and have be pretty much inseparable since.


4. I'm glad that through all of this BS, I still have a little humor. 


5. That my basic 3 are covered. I live in a nice house, I  am never hungry, and I drink tons of 
water.


6. Modern medicine and its ability to have gotten me this far.


7. The fact that I even got this far.

8. I have a wonderful family and support system. I'm so thankful for all of them for listening endlessly, especiall my Clomid Buddy!


9. I have a ton of FAITH.


10. This was almost number 1...I have 3 off the greatest dogs ever that never get tired of me even if I'm a mess.

 

I know we will get through this and in retrospect this will be just one speck of  our amazing lives. But, right now....every second is an eternity and I will get past that.

 

Shannon Stewart is back.

I decided that since tomorrow will probably SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK (Louise, I bet you can imagine me saying that one) that I was going to be crafty all day. Besides staying up until 445a studying and then taking a midterm the previous night/morning and waking up at 1100a, I was super productive! I don't know why I didn't stay up for 15 more minutes to see The Husband off, now that I think of it. Anyway, I went to Micheal's and grabbed a ridiculous amount of stuff to make some cute things!

My domestic duties were on high today. House was cleaned, floors swept, mopped, vacuumed, shampooed. Dinner (a roast) in the crock pot and I made apple pie in apples for dessert. Delish! I had seen a couple of things on pinterest I had wanted to try. Mostly this little guy! He is so ridiculously cute and I plan on putting candy corn in it. I made it out of a clay pot and saucers and the rest is pretty much obvious. Lots of paint and some wooden spools. Ta-da! On the inside of the saucer (didn't take a picture unfortunately) I painted "BOO!" Super cute!

 This was kind of a spur of the moment thing. I needed some new modge podge and I was walking through the wooden letters anyway.  I was getting the foilage that went along with the orange bats for another project and the stickers were 40% off....its like it was meant to be, right? This looks WAY cuter than what my stinking little iphone camera can do. I really love it and can't wait for people to come over to see it!

Oh this picture is HORRIBLE but its actually The Husband's favorite new thing I've made. It was just a cardboard hat that I made a band out of the same green paper used in the BOO and a little ribbon. I made a faux boa out of the purple feathers and attached an orange bat. He thinks this is the greatest thing for some reason. Maybe because he thinks he can wear it?












Making all this Halloween decor is getting me too excited for Halloween. I was really excited for it for other reasons 2 weeks ago, but right now Im just excited to be able to have a little fun and get silly. I have a feeling that I'll be 'crafting' once again now that I'll have some free time as opposed to being obsessed with TTC for the next month or so. Or...maybe I'll concentrate more on school. Yeah right, Martha---Shannon Stewart is back!

Sometimes I'm ridiculous.

My HCG came in on Friday from my Thursday AM draw. Of course it is going down and the inevitable...is inevitable. I'm more okay with it, for the most part. I'm kind of glad it is dropping, now that we know this pregnancy is not viable. I am ready to get this horror show over! Anyway, the lab called me at 415p, 418p, 422p, 426 p, and 435pm. Twice the physician over the lab called and the other times it was the nurse. I got the first call while I was out and about and then did some nanny duties and realized my phone was blowing up. The messages are SO SAD. I feel BAD for the people who had to call me with their concern for me. I have been going to this lab for over a year during this whole ordeal. I finally get pregnant and its not viable. I have had the same nurse for every one of my draws and she and I feel like we have begun this journey together. Her messages got increasingly more sad with everyone she left. The physician, whom I did not know he even looked at my charts, explained the need and urgency to talk to my OB/GYN immediately and that he will go over the rough numbers with me if I need to and he even gave me an after hours number to call. No doubt that he did this because of Nurse Diana probably preempted him to call.

This is where I am ridiculous. This made me cry. Not the content of the messages...I've already come to accept what I cannot change. What made me sad was the fact that they had to be the bearers of bad news right before they went home on Friday. They had enough concern for me, that they called 5 times in 20 minutes to talk to me. I understand they are in the medical profession and this stuff does not get to them like it would me, but it still touched my heart. I won't lie, I did avoid the last call because after hearing the first message, I could not take actually talking to them. If it Was Nurse Diana, she already sounded jilted and if it was the doctor, I wasn't ready to hear some news that I already know and will be knowing more about on Monday.

Though I am okay (as I can be) with this, I am still taking The Husband with me on Monday. I tend to get choked up easily and my ADD mind goes haywire when I need to concentrate on what is at hand. He and I are discussing questions so that he won't forget and we will get answers to.

Some of which are..
1. Is there any testing available to see if this will be a perpetual thing? (I know they usually test after 3, but it never hurts to ask.
2. Does this happen more to women with PCOS?
3. What should I expect if I try to do this naturally?
4. Can I be prescribed anything to speed up the process? For pain? Muscle relaxer?

And the most important thing

5. When can we start trying for our miracle again?


I've been trying to catch the silver lining in all of this. I am trying to be thankful for the little things. While TTC, I always gauged my cycle by if I ovulated or not that month. If I O'd, I was just glad my body cooperated enough. If I didn't, I was just glad I am physically and financially able to be TTC right now. Lord knows there are some women that are not so lucky and my heart goes out to them.  So with this, I am extremely and eternally grateful that we had made it this far. This is as far as we have ever made it and now we have a goal to pass up the next time. Also, I am now going to be able to get a U/S sooner to see if there is a problem earlier on. These are things I am grateful for.

Is there any other questions I should ask my doctor?