July '12

I was nervous on if I should post this or not, but this is, by far, the best chart of my life.

The things we cling onto...

It is amazing the little things we hold onto, when we're looking for some sort of hope. Obviously, my current situation makes it more than easy to grasp onto every word, twinge, feeling, or symptom- but in general, when you're looking for hope, don't you try to find it in everything?

I've felt different this cycle. I've been super dizzy and just not hungry at all. The "normal" me would have taken that and ran! Thank goodness for my acupuncturist. She has brought me down to Earth and has given me the tools to actually listen to my body, as opposed to, prying for information.

But really, I am curious on how this cycle turns out.

The one thing I did cling onto and I am trying to let go of really is- my doctor used "when you get a BFP" instead of "if you get a BFP." I know it was probably just her selection of words at that moment, but for a desperate girl in an uncomfortable position with a sheet covering her unmentionables- it meant the world.


So here we are...Cycle 5 on Clomid. I responded and had a progesterone level of 23.9 (!!!!!!) and am on the last bit of my TWW.

Hopefully this takes us to where we want to be. :)

Not a Sunday funday

I woke up early today to having The Husband calling me over and over and over........This was at about 7 am and I was definitely not ready to be up just yet. Apparently he had locked his keys in his patrol car and forgot to grab his spare. Geez! I hate being woken up in a panic! I just knew I didn't feel good when I got up to let him in the house. I laid back on the couch and woke up again at 10...but couldn't quite get with it. I fell back asleep until 1230 (This is totally unlike me!). Again, The Husband was calling me to make sure I was okay since he said, "you looked like crap"-- what a charmer! My next little nap....I woke up at 530 in the P M. Seriously..what is going on with me? It's about 11pm and I'm tired again and about to get to bed. If being tired wasn't enough, I am so ridiculously dizzy. Even sitting in this chair, I feel like I could just fall over. I have been fighting a cold--whatever it is, I hope I feel better tomorrow!

1st Normal BBT Chart

Can I get a HOORAY for having my first month that looks pretty dang 'normal'? This is so stinking exciting that it is finally leveling out! What do you think?

I'm horrible at remembering to put in what meds I took that day or my symptoms. Usually Ill do that when I have a minute. I go back the day before and fill that out, so please don't think I haven't taken my metformin for 2 days ;) Normally my chart is ALL over the place. I don't even want to post one of my past charts..thats how crazy it is.

I've never wanted a line to stay up so much in my life! I know its early, but I'm praying it doesn't fall!

I hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

Choices in Infertility

I've been on a positivity kick recently--which I didn't know was possible with infertility! I've decided to have a "we have lots of options" look out on what we are going through and taking every day a minute at a time. I really don't know what has come over me, but I like it! It makes me feel like my "old" self- pre-clomid craziness!

That being said, I was talking to a friend the other day about how I'm going to make choices in my infertility. She brought up the fact that there are not very many choices in IF. Isn't that kind of true? A lot of times, your insurances tells you which doctor you can go to. You don't always get to choose if you're seeing the doctor or the nurse. Your treatment can be limited to their interpretation of your physical ability to obtain a pregnancy. These are all "short ends of the stick." I'm done with that crap! I'm choosing from now on..

I have decided I, officially, have 2 choices in our battle to become pregnant. These are two VERY important choices, us as IFers have to choose one.

1. I can choose to be a Negative Nancy, a Debbie Downer, or anything else that gives negativity a rhyming name. I can believe that all of our trials and tribulations WON'T work and that I am wasting our time, money, and emotional well-being.

OR

2. I can CHOOSE to be a Positive Polly, a Sunny Sally (I think you get what I'm doing here). I can choose to believe that this will work. This is what is meant to happen and we will be parents.

There are so many variables in all of our battles that we cannot control, but our attitudes are all ours. We can choose to not be so hard on ourselves. Do you think you deserve to be criticized all the time? I don't! I am ready to free myself of feeling worthless and inadequate. You do not deserve that either! 

Just like many other couples, our insurance covers 0%. If your insurance covers even 50%- Be happy! Thats 50% more than what a lot of people get. If your insurances covers 100%....Be ELATED! That's amazing and I'm so happy for you! Be happy that you get this opportunity to explore your options. The Husband and I are definitely not rich and this is very trying on our financial state (since I'm still in school and he works in public safety) but, we are CHOOSING our attitudes about every bump along the way. Let me just tell you, it feels GREAT!!

From now on, I'm choosing 2

So, who's with me?

Well, thats nice... (+book rec)

I have little faith in OPKs after my 3rd cycle on clomid (100mg) and I only got faint/almost dark enough test lines. It sucked! But I ovulated well. I'm sure I missed my surge but it is still frustrating nonetheless. This cycle has me cautiously optimistic. This picture is dark, but you get the jest-

It's hard to tell, but this was over the course of a day and a half. They progressively got darker and even with my Dollar Tree cheapie, the test line was actually darker. This is definitely a first time for me! Is it weird that I'm excited..just for that alone? The Husband was just as excited as I was! 

That being said, IF can play havoc on the strongest of marriages. I am glad to say that The Husband is not a "statistic" (his words). He has become so involved without being too intrusive, it's been amazing. I really do not know what I would ever do with out that man. He may not open the car door for me every time we go somewhere, but he sure does no when to tell me everything will be okay and "one day..". That's all that matters, folks. 

----

I have been on a self-help/infertility book kick this week- the latest one I have read was 

Managing The Stress Of Infertility: How To Balance Your Emotions, Get The Support You Need, And Deal With Painful Social Situations When You're Trying To Become Pregnant by Carol Fulwiler Jones MA. This was BY FAR one of the best books I've read in a while. Though I was slightly disappointed because she did not include any yoga for infertility (she is an instructor), however, I have gained so much insight. I have ADD and usually take vyvanse when not TTC...obviously I can't take it while we are trying, so it has definitely been a challenge in all aspects of my life: school, work, and socially. I get very overwhelmed when I am unmedicated so I am always looking for a new "anti-stress" exercise. This book was full of them! I have started 'positive thinking' and imagery before I go to bed. It has relaxed me and allowed me to believe in myself! One of the key points to this book was- let the thoughts and negativity pass. It is okay to have a thought, but do not store it like christmas decorations. Allow it to leave you and allow yourself to be happy and prepared for the next step. I needed to hear that this weekend. Being mid cycle 5 of 6 on clomid is petrifying. But knowing that I WILL become a mom some day- rather it be a clomid cycle, IVF, adoption - whatever....that is the reason I will wake up every morning and give it my all. 


I hope everyone has a fabulous week and get those BFPs, ladies! xoxo

Today is a new day!

I'm ABSOLUTELY done with the pity party and rerady to move on. The Husband insisted I get over what the acupuncturist said and keep my eye on the prize. It gets scary, though, being at these last 3 cycles. I have begun my Chinese herbs today and am hapy that they're easy to take. I am the worst medicine taker ever, so having my seal of approval pretty much means a toddler could take them. :)

I got up this morning and dusted myself off and looked in the mirror and reminded myself...

Though it seems like all I do is complain, I guarantee that I am (usually) a very 'sunny' person. I love to laugh and I LOVE to make people laugh. I've been letting IF take that from me and, for that, I need to find another way to cope.

I am glad that besides the IF, I am a healthy person.

And to be honest, even the bad days are better than some people's good days..and I couldn't be happier to spend them with my Husband. We celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary on Wednesday. I don't say it enough, this many is so amazing- I wonder how I got so lucky to find my other half!