The day after D&C

Im actually feeling pretty good, except for the little sleep I received last night. I was able to wake up and make breakfast and sit down and do the copious amount of homework Ive let build up. I am so ready for this semester to be over and ready to go on vacation. I have not taken my pain meds this morning and I feel pretty good, again just extremely tired. Thankfully The Husband is off with me until Sunday so I can get a lot of rest and a lot of homework done before Monday.

D&C

I had my D&C at 11 am on Wednesday, April 24th. I survived! I opted to have it in office under IV sedation to avoid hospital fees for the same procedure. I will say the actual procedure and the recovery has been so much easier than I had anticipated. Prior to the procedure they had me take a zofran and a Xanax. I need more than one of those things, they never control my anxiety fully. Thank goodness The Husband was in attendance and tried to help me. The worst part of the whole thing was waiting. Waiting to get called back. Waiting for the anesthesiologist. Waiting for the meds. It was very trying. I had an anxiety attack by the time I was receiving my IV. I wish The Husband had come back with me at that point. I started to cry and started sweat. I couldn't stop shaking and felt like I was going to pass out. I had not had an attack in so long I forgot how scary they are. He sent me to the operation room and I started to faint but thankfully made it to the table. He saw what was going on and was able to give me some more anti-anxiety medication prior to the sedation. The next thing I remembered was being women up and the nurse dressing me. I wore my Uggs and she couldn't get them on. I also asked her if I bled a lot and she studdered and said a lot of tissue was removed.  I remember thanking the anesthesiologist profusely for helping me. I was desperate. I got in a wheelchair some how and made it to the car. I finally got home. My sweet MIL ordered us pizza and I was able to eat! I was starved prior to the procedure so I was excited to eat. I fell asleep until 5 or so and felt way better. My pain has been under control, just as discharge and bleeding has been minimal. Rachel sent me a beautiful flower arrangement that is probably the prettiest arrangement ever. Now it's 330A and I cannot sleep for the life of me. We did get a chance to book the rest of our vacation fun, so that wads nice vacation. We have 17 days! In that 17 days I have to finish school :( it's crunch time.


The import at part is I'm ok, right now.


Here's to more waiting.

"Don't give up!"- a breakdown, adoption, West and Boston.

I had a particularly hard morning that was pleasantly coincided with The Husband calling me every so often right exactly when I needed to talk to him. One of the moms I work for had told me after I told her of this pregnancy failure to "Don't give up!" She texted me again yesterday to tell me the same thing, obviously she really means it, I guess. Though I was thrilled with a friend's first ultrasound today, I have a feeling of impending doom the closer I get to Wednesday. I am ready for this to be over. I'm ready for the headaches, nausea, weakened immune system, just everything! I'm so over all of this. I would gladly take this in a heartbeat with good reason, I am not enjoying it right now! One of the little boys I nanny for  (it was just him and I on Friday) has autism and "scripts" movies a lot. He's a one man show! Well I'm sure it came from a movie but he told me yesterday, just like his mom, "Aunt Shannon, don't give up! Really, you can do it!"  (he has an Aunt Shannon and my nephews call me that....so its just easier to go with it than continual try to explain its Mrs Shannon.) Oh mylanta.. I about lost it. How did this 6 year old little boy know exactly what I needed to hear but was scared to hear at that very moment? I hugged him so tight and told him I loved him. After that, my day kind of numbed out. I was able to function, after I pushed back a few tears.

I cam home from work on Wednesday, sick as a dog. The Husband told me that we are going to dinner since he didn't know how to make soup and I hate the canned stuff. I definitely was needing something to eat after a couple days of not having much more than juice. We went to Sweet Tomatoes and started the normal after work talks we do every day. "How was your day?" "What did you do?" It was his day off so I imagined it was full of homework and some silly shows on DVR. He told me he couldn't get anything done. I wasn't surprised because, lets be honest, he's a man! :) He finally told me he was looking up adoption all day. WOW. I have brought up adoption with him in the past, I am all for it. I have always wanted to adopt and even with this current pregnancy, we had discussed adopting for a 2nd, but he wasn't sold. I never wanted to "talk him into" adoption. Who wants to do that? I felt that brings resentment and no one needs that! We discussed a little more about what  he envisions and how he would like it to go. After our failed kin adoption in '11, he is nervous of the prospects of the child being 'taken back.' We've been burned before, I understand his concern. He would prefer to do it international, maybe domestically, but is not very interested in foster to adopt. Its a hairy thing in Texas and with him being in law enforcement, he doesn't feel safe doing it right now. I respect all of that. We are taking things step by step and have decided to figure out a plan this summer. Lord knows how long it will take me to be able to get pregnant again, if it's possible.

We were joking that we aren't good gardeners. We can plant it but we can't make it grow. Its kind of funny/sad.

I cannot write an enormously long blog and not post about the events in West, Tx and Boston. West, Tx holds a lot of memories near and dear to me. Stopping for kolaches along the way from Dallas to Austin or San Antonio. It is very painful to watch the footage and think of the ones lost in that. The evens that unfolded in Boston were insane. Luckily, The Husband worked yesterday but was home yesterday evening so we were able to sit next to each other on the couch and watch the footage of the remaining bomber being captured. It was amazing how the agencies worked together so swiftly to apprehend him. Watching it unfold and seeing the glimmer in my husband's eyes, I know he would be right in there. He is one to face the fear that others run from. He was so excited that the guys leaving the scene in Watertown received such praise. These guys do not get thanked enough for what they do. They may be the last thing you want behind you when you're speeding, but they are the first thing you want coming towards you when there is danger. I'm so thankful I married my own hero.

Keep on keepin' on..

Since all that has transposed has kind of hit us hard, we've decided to definitely go on vacation in May. It's kind of helping me cope and look forward to something. The D&C has me freaked out. Mostly the being sedated business. I don't like that! We spent all day yesterday looking at vacations and couldn't finalize anything. I think it's in between a cruise or a road trip to Colorado. I've never been to Colorado for anything but business and that'd be cool. But am I really going to be up to moving and hiking? Whatever it is, I'm just ready to get out of here!!! I'm starting to get bitter. I hate that feeling! I think it's worse because I was reading on how if it is deemed "molar" I will be put on birth control for approximately 6+ months. That's tough to swallow. I hate that idea! Trying to conceive is all. I've know for 4 years. 4 years! And now I'm supposed to stop for 6+ months?! I'm also bitter that my d&c is scheduled for two days before my first due date. Horrible timing! I feel like I just can't catch a break. I've, oddly, been able to hold it together pretty well. I don't know where this Hercules strength has come from, but I'll take it! I am almost numb to this whole thing. Again, I hate this! I hate feeling like this! And I hate feeling like just another statistic. Who knew life could be THIS hard?

"Molar" pregnancy

So for the 2nd time in 7 months, I will be having to medically end a pregnancy. It's really sad that I am almost desensitized from the whole thing. It really sucks. I don't even have adequate words for it. I really felt this was "it" and I'm very pissed that this shit has ruined ANY future pregnancy. So what's the next step? D&C scheduled for 4/24 and after that we are doing extensive bloodwork. I am looking forward to answers since this isn't seeming like a coincidence anymore.


Seriously. This sucks.

What should be 7w

I'm having a very hard day. I barely made it out of bed by 1pm, just in time to get ready for work. I'm feeling the impending doom of my appointment tomorrow. I've been very positive up until today. I think it's me trying to prepare myself for the worst. I'm really concerned that I have to go to the appointment alone. The Husband works tomorrow and isn't positive he will be able to come to the appointment. My mom is covering for me at work and everyone else is busy. It's sucks to have to go through this...but going alone really sucks. I'm praying for fabulous news tomorrow...but I know the odds are against me. Until next time..

6w0d

Today would mark 6 weeks exactly. At my last appointment, Dr G suggested we make an appointment for an ultrasound at 6w. I made it for today and The Husband was able to come, thankfully. I went through the whole schpeel with him...of you see something flicker, grab my phone. We were so excited which was so weird to me since the last first ultrasound we had was so traumatizing when it showed a blighted ovum. They started te ultrasound... And again all was found was a sac. She said it measured 5-5.5 weeks which isn't totally off but let's be honest...I know when I conceived! It is so difficult to see that screen with a little circle again. Screw you, infertility! I have tried my hardest to be strong and hold it together because The Husband just doesn't know what to do for me. I pray for a miracle but am preparing for the worst. What's the killer is...April 27th was my last due date...mother's day was when we were going to announce....a horrible time to be going through a miscarriage.