Who would've thought I would be excited for Christmas? I am so pumped that I can hardly wait to pull out all the decorations out of the attic and start setting up our tree.
After the miscarriage, I thought this Christmas would be horrible. Pure terror and despair, really. I am excited that I am going be able to celebrate it AND even better, I am eager for it to get here. This makes me happier the more I think about it. The holidays are big for us and, honestly, after Halloween...its all a blur! We do Thanksgiving big..and Black Friday BIGGER! Shortly after that we have our Annual Ugly Sweater Party...and then its time for Christmas festivities!
This week I went ahead and ordered all of my seasonal favorites from my Scentsy girl. After those get here, it will be hard not to decorate! They always get me in the mood for pumpkin pie and "Santa Baby" blaring!
What is your favorite part about this time of year?
Today I was fortunate to drive out to Cut-N-Shoot, Texas (I LOVE the name of this town!) to see a wonderful friend get married. The Husband worked 16 hours today and had no means of getting off, so I was able to go with a fabulous friend! It was beautiful!
How could I not smile obnoxiously while Im stitting right by the margarita machine and the self-serve bar? This was the best seat in town, yall!
Can I just say it was all about coordination this evening? As you can tell, N is wearing the wedding colors (unknowingly...or not :) ) and I am wearing purple to match the lady whos backside is photo bombing our picture. Beautiful! It does not get better than that. Actually..the whole sitting next to the margarita machine and self-serve bar made it way better..but at this point, this was as good as it gets!
I love weddings! I love the vows, the people (Sometimes haha), the food, the drinks, the dancing(!!!!!!)..everything. I love getting invited and being a part of someone's special day. I felt so dumb today! I could not find a bag for the gift. Its in a box and its misshaped rectangle. I mean that, as it wont fit in a standard size bag! Dumb! So I had to be that person telling the bride, "I'm going to bring your gift after your honeymoon! I swear I have it and I'm not cheap..but you see the bag was too small...and I went to 3 different stores and couldnt find one big enough..and Im not the wrapping paper kind of girl." Okay, okay..I didn't say all that, though I probably would have. Did I ever write what I said to the US customs guy? Its almost embaressing..if you're not me that is! :) Anyway- so I'll be meeting up with her in a couple of weeks. Ill try to keep The Husband from using the can opener and cutting board until then.
Switching gears, I'm glad to say that midterms are over and I can breath a little..until tomorrow that is. I have so much work to do tomorrow its unreal. I've put it off because The Husband was working and I knew he'd be on patrol for 2 12s and 1 16 this weekend, so I wanted to spend time with him this week while I could. Then there was the wedding and let's face it, normally I would come home and do homework but the older I get...the more I appreciate a good buzz! I love not drinking very much anymore. You know because its good for me and all..and...mostly because when I have 2 beers now I feel good. :) Really, thats why I like not drinking anymore.
Its really nice to not be talking about TTC BS.... Though I've had EWCM for two days. Weird. More weird that when I told The Husband I had "evidence" of Oing..he said "egg white cervical muscus"...yes, honey..do you have to be so gross? hahah! We're taking the month of and since its his long weekend anyway, I don't see any BD time in our future. That's okay, but part of me does kind of want to throw a huge pity party.
I'd like to ask for prayers for a friend of mine who had her baby early this morning at 24 weeks. Baby A is fighting and holding on but she could definitely use some prayers! Lord, be with this child!
I've had a complete shit storm of a day! Its been almost incredible how crappy it was, but I've still been able to keep my head up. It started with something that I'm not ready to discuss that caused me a little guilt and then....
Just something an infertile does not want to hear, "My 15 year old niece is pregnant!" Wow! Good thing it was from my BFF or I may of taken it a little differently.
Maybe I am a little disgruntled and jaded on this whole thing. I look at the love I have for my husband and how much we have prepared our lives to bring a child into this world and a 15 and 17 year old want to play house and..BAM! It happens for them. It stings a lot. I keep telling my BFF that she is 15 and she needs to be asked what her next step is because, after all, she chose to put her big girl panties on and make a big girl decision..so now the real big girl decisions start. Real fun, huh? I was so dumb when I was 15, I can't even imagine becoming a mother too. Is the MTV nation to blame? I don't think so. I think its laziness in parenting. Yeah, yeah- easy for an infertile to say, right? Honestly, its very difficult for me to even fathom.
The Husband and I were discussing what our options are after this. I am a realist when it comes to my health and future down the infertility road. I like to research and understand what is to come, what did happen, and our options as a whole. This is the exact opposite of my normal every day attitude with life. I am usually the complete optimist! I really love to think the best will come out of a situation. I would rather be disappointed once than go through agony waiting to be disappointed. If that even makes any sense. The Husband is a realist with life and a optimist with our infertility. I think it balances us off greatly as a couple. Anyway- we discussed (tonight, actually) what we would do next. He said his 'union' in looking into a gap/supplemental insurance that may pick up some of the IF tab (still unsure) and we both are happy to see where that goes. I started our conversation out by saying, "Did you realize there are a lot of people in your department that have adopted lately?" He agreed with me. I go on to say, "Its because our insurance SUCKS! What they do cover, we have to fight. We are not as far along in our journey as a lot of people, but we're still getting the shaft." He totally understood. I explained that I feel like we're going to hit that fork in the road. IVF or adoption. I don't want to get to this fork, I'd rather it be a spoon or a knife..or a melon baller or something (hows that for a corny joke? :) ). I see it as we're headed 'home' and we come to a fork in the road. To the left, you're going through the roughest terrain possible. It's all downhill and your brakes went out. On the right, its level ground with asphalt. There are a few speed bumps and maybe a wrong turn or two, but you still have your brakes. I've told him this analogy before but he never seemed to get it. Today he got it better than ever.
If there is one thing we've disagreed on in this whole process, it would be what to do NEXT. Obviously my egg quality may be at risk and I pray every day that the recent m/c was a fluke..but lets get real. What if it wasn't? What next? I want to be prepared so my heart can be at least right behind my head in processing what is happening. It's tough to go through this and as the time lapses...more people are getting pregannt and more people are having babies...and more people are asking when you are going to start a family..and you're getting older...and...the list goes on and on.
Tomorrow I'm going to a girlfriend's wedding and I can't wait. Surprisingly enough, she has PCOS too and will be TTC after her wedding. I pray her path isn't as jaded as our's has been! Tomorrow will be a good day and I'll wake up refreshed and happy with the world again (until someone screws it up!)...but today..today I'm allowing myself to be a little bitter and a little sad. Today is a "Why not me?" kind of a day. I hate days like this and the only solace is I am choosing to make tomorrow better.
Im still around! I have been so preoccupied with school and getting my life back from disarray that I have neglected this. I guess for good reason, huh. I am still waiting out my cycle and am 80% sure that I Od after the miscarriage. Weird. I got a positive OPK and O pains. We did not want to try this month. Next month I hope I get the same result and we will try on our own.
Using the 80% statistic reminds me so much of this song. I love it!!
As far as the rest of life, more of that wonderful word I HATE to use on this blog but for some reason I am always using it...WAITING...
Waiting for blood work this week and then waiting for the results. Then waiting some more for AF and then waiting to see what happens after that. Good thing Halloween is coming up and school is pretty rough right now. THOUGH, I did just finish one of my classes so I am now down to 3. That is easier to handle, obviously.
So here goes more of the waiting...At least I have some fun things coming up to keep my mind off of it.
Technically last Thursday and Saturday would have been one week since my 1st and 2nd dose of Cytotec. Can I just say how much better I am doing? Physically, all the bleeding and cramping has stopped as of 2-3 days ago. It really wasn't all that bad after the actual miscarriage, but it was annoying. I'm not a 'pad' kind of girl so it was definitely more annoying for me. I am getting some ovary pain, but I'm sure my body is just trying to figure out what the hell just happened.
I did get a call today from my doctor's office. Actually 2. The first one was to tell me that pathology had gotten back to them and there was zero "products of conception" in the tissue I had brought in. Without getting TMI, it was almost distiguishable. At least to me and my doctor. I took my time looking at it prior to putting it away to take to the doctor. She had advized me to put it in a baggy and put it in the fridge until I could get an appointment on that Monday or Tuesday. I passed it on Saturday, so it was refrigerated for a while. I'm not sure if that had anything to do with the pathology report. I have also read (damn you, Google!) that other ladies with the similar situation had the same reports back from the lab. I'm a little irritated but what can I do? Not too much! The 2nd call was a lot more anticlimactic. They called to tell me my crappy insurance was denying a claim until we called them. Okay....so I call....and the lady says there was a hold because of some paperwork (no idea what it was and could not tell me) needed to be filed first and it was on the 5th and my doctor will be paid shortly. Holy crap. Why do I need to always be involved in their business? I understand being my own advocate, seriously I hate it when people aren't but this is just frustrating! So I had to call my doctor back and explain they're a little incompotent there and they said it should be covered. I guess we'll see. My bet is I will get a bill in a week. That's their normal deal.
Now I'm back to the waiting game.Waiting for AF. Who would've thought I would be excited for her to show her ugly face? I am ready to get my first AF over with and then start planning our next step. Our next attempt will be around the holidays. ..Jingle Bells, yall! :)
I've really had a great past couple of days. It seems the stars have aligned and allowed me to cope with what has happened and what is to come. I still hurt, but I hurt a lot less. I was sitting in traffic this evening on my way home from work and our wedding song came on. It's "Crazy" by Pat Green. Pat Green has paid a big role in our relationship. It was the first thing The Husband and I had in common and we try to see him whenever he comes into town. This song just means so much to us. It's us.
There are so many one-liners that I live my life by.
"Sometimes I sleep with all the lights on. It helps me to appreciate the night." "Oh my God, I'm glad that I'm alive!"
"Don't you think life would be awful boring, if the good times were all that we had?"
This summer we had a rare and AMAZING opportunity to see him at a convention my sister was apart of. She invited us and we jumped on it! We were literally a foot from him. I've seen him dozens of times, but not in a long time..and definitely not in such an intimate setting. There were probably 100 people there, tops. It was absolutely amazing. In fact, prior to him playing, Radney Foster played and I was so excited! I had no idea he was going to be there and I hadn't seen him in YEARS. He is amazing live, as well. After that, they handed out guitars that were signed. My sister told me they did this, but I really wasn't sure how it worked. There were 12 tables and on each table there was a guitar. They also handed out guitars to special guests and...fancy that..my sister was a special guest! Everyone's seat was numbered and when I sat down I sat in seat 11 because we got married on 7/11 and 7 and 11 are my lucky numbers. I didn't have anyone sitting in 10 and then there was a lady that was in 8 but sitting in 9 too. I told her, "You get 2, I get 2!" They called out the number 10!! I scooted my happy little butt over and I won! The Husband handed me the guitar and I was in total disbelief. It was amazing. I had never won something like that before..and of all places, and of all circumstances. Crazy! (no pun intended :) ) I ran through the Hyatt taking that thing to my room and just stared for a long time.
So this evening when I heard our song, a ton of emotions rushed over me. I became flushed and started to tear up. Our life is good. It is great. Like The Husband said in the beginning, this is not a road block, it is a hurdle. We are okay and we will be okay. AND, it is okay to not be okay sometimes. We do fun things and we have a ridiculously fun time with each other. We could have it so worse and I am learning to appreciate what exactly we have, physically and in each other. I read too many blogs and read too many reviews on junk and there are definitely some horror stories on how IF effects marriages. Being that The Husband is law enforcement already, there is a stigma on their relationship patterns. I am not going to be another statistic. We try very hard to be where we are at and we will continue to work hard at it.
I think with IF, period, it strains every aspect of your life. That's why it is important to GET OUT, DO THINGS, and HAVE FUN! Without any of this, you are bound to lose your mind!
While I was reminiscing about our wonderful summer, I started to make a list of things we have done this summer, amidst our IF journey.
1. Cruise to Jamaica/Grand Cayman/Cozumel in May
2. Pat Green!
3. River Trip with our BFFs!
4. Tons off friends and family time
5. Tons of time TOGETHER.
I could not have asked for a better summer with better people. And for that I am eternally grateful!
If you're going through IF, take time for yourself and your partner. Take time to ENJOY being a couple and being with each other. That is the most important thing. It makes the hard times a little less hard. It brings you together and gets you closer than you ever though imaginable. I thought The Husband and I were as close as possible, but IF has opened up a whole new world for the both of us.
It's as if I woke up and decided that I AM going to pass this semester and I AM going to be on the President's List again. I had an issue with a group assignment that I had missed out on and was concerned with my placement in the group, as they are getting near the end. I contacted my professor, who's reviews on RateMyProfessors was all but kind, to see if there was anything else I could do. It took him over a day to respond, which felt like an eternity, and he suggested some options and offered is condolences. I was floored. I have never had to 'grovel' to anyone before and I felt like I was having to. My email was very professional, to the point, and I accepted any consequence that there may be for my absence from the group. So now, I am offering up an addendum to the paper that the group had wrote. This is absolutely and completely fair and I am so glad to have the opportunity to do so! So there goes my whole weekend, but I am glad to give it up, considering.
In other news..Another friend has informed me she is TTC. Is it sad that every time someone tells me they are TTC, I think, "I bet they'll get pregnant before me." Those horrible things IF puts in your head! I hate it. I used to not be so dang negative. I'm actually very happy for her and her soon to be husband. I hope they have no problems and this time next year, she is holding her joy! Tons of...
In the most important news, no I am not talking about the debate....I'm talking about how I have plans to find some marshmallow froyo this weekend and I am too ridiculously excited!!! Word on the street is they're serving some at a few places. Is it weird if I call them all and ask if they have it? Oh well..it may be too late for that! :)
Here's to a great rest of the week. We made it to Wednesday, only two more days!
