days..

Days like today make me wonder if Im really LOSING IT!

Seriously, even The Husband told me I am out of my mind. Gee thanks dude. I kind of thought I'd take this medicine for fun and not to get my broken body to work correctly. What an ass.

Treadmill syndrome.

I really wish.... I did not have to always work so hard to survive or accomplish simple things that people take for granted. Obviously our IF journey being #1. #2 being The Husband being a cop and not being compensated correctly. The Husband may have a job opportunity that would move us away from our families. The pay is substantially better and to be honest I am not too fond of this area anyway. It's sad that he is in law enforcement and gets paid beans. What's wrong with this picture. I've held a job since I was 15. We had planned to let me stay home to finish school, not happening if we stay here. But moving means leaving everyone. I guess we are staying. . .

We are back!!!

Can I just say how AMAZING our cruise was? Its definitely what The Husband and I needed to keep our sanity. I swear taking these meds are making me absolutely lose it! We unknowingly scheduled the cruise for my O time. Though I had a very weak ovulation and progesterone levels were only 7.2.....I doubt anything released. :(  BUMMER! Of course, I'll test on Wednesday, but I'm not expecting anything..except my dang period! Here's a few pictures from our trip!



This picture cracks me up. I love seals and this was just too perfect. Try not to mind the bra or the pile of shoes. It was the night before we left.



Today, I lost it in front of Freebirds. If you know me, Freebirds is my holy grail. I had been unusually sour to The Husband and had been really just being mean all day. I knew my meltdown was coming but I was just pushing it back and back. The Husband was going to take me to Freebirds, hoping that would fix my attitude problem. I pointed out that it was prom night and pointed out the high school kids. He said "OK" in a tone I took offensive...and I hit rock bottom. I sobbed and cried and couldn't stop for 10 minutes in the parking lot. The poor look on his face was horrible and I didn't want to have a meltdown..and of all places..in a small car with a husband that has no idea what to do. He gets that this is hard on me, but I don't think he comprehends, every month is like dagger in my heart.

 This 'treatment' makes me question if I could go farther than my 6 months of Clomid. Right now, I can say, I will have to think very hard. I know our ultimate goal is to start a family, but having PCOS and having IF issues has made me a bitter person. I try not to let people see that and I try to be the Happy Shannon that I want to be, but man..its hard! Just typing this out has made me feel a little better. A little validated in some way, even. I try not to think about of the adoption that "could have been" or about if we had started this process sooner. I, especially, try not to think about the 5 women I know that are pregnant right now. I'm so very happy for them, but it hurts to see that. Its like being on a diet and someone taunting you with your favorite food. EVEN WORSE, you're allergic to it..so literally, you can't have it. And most of all, I try not to think about what will do if we cannot get pregnant conventionally. I know we're far off from any rash decisions, but right now... every worse case scenario feels ot be on my mind.

I hate feeling this way! I'm usually a "Sunny side of life" kind of lady and think very optimistically. It works well for me and The Husband, since he is more matter-of-fact and rational...and dare I say, pessimistic. But with me feeling 'down,' he's not sure how to assume the other role. Ha! Poor thing! I know this process makes me feel crazy, but I couldn't imagine being on the other side. I tried to express to him how I was feeling and he said... "Are you ok? Do you hear voices? Do you want to hurt yourself?" Pretty much every question he has learned to ask people in his line of work (law enforecemen). Yes, No, NO..that would defeat the purpose! haha. I've been depressed, we all have, right? But its not even that. I'm just disappointed in myself. This happened last month, I had one day where I was totally off, I'm already feeling better so I imagine that I will be back to myself tomorrow...one can hope at least!

And lastly, this someecard really just fits me right now. I feel like the older I get, the more people really just piss me off. :)